A few weeks ago my step-dad had a liver transplant. I wasn't there for the surgery. I wasn't even there for almost a week after the surgery. I was there in mind and spirit, but I wasn't there. It bothered me that I wasn't there, but I knew there wasn't anything that I could do and with school starting for T and work, I really couldn't manage going over sooner, although my mom said she didn't want or need me there.
Things seemed to be progressing well, from afar. Reports from my mom were positive and later I learned, vague. I had planned to spend a couple of days at the hospital with my step-dad and mom and to relieve my mom in anyway possible, especially since she had been practically living at the hospital. Two days before I went, my mom called to let me know how he was doing. She gave the positives and then she said..."he is blind". She told me not to cry and that it would be OK and she hung up to avoid the fact that we were both sobbing uncontrollably.
I still tear up recalling that phone call. Of the sobs that coursed through my body immediately after I hung up. The whys. The hows. And after about ten minutes of crying, I stopped. I couldn't feel sorry for him, for me, for my mom. While we weren't prepared that he may be blind, he was alive. He received a "beautiful liver" that would give him a new lease on life. Different. New. About an hour later, my mom called back and we were both collected and she said someone wanted to say HI. I was able to talk to my step dad. I was able to hear him. To laugh and recognize that he was still the same, despite things that would be different. Everything can't remain the same. With change, we shall grow and live and embrace. I have to accept that we will never be given more than we can handle and we are so very blessed that he has been given the opportunity for a transplant and a long life.
I spent over two days in the hospital. I never left. I have to admit I was rather disappointed that I didn't lose any weight during my hospital stay, but I suppose I have to be the patient for that to happen! My step dad looked good. He made significant progress while I was there. His blood pressure was stabilizing with medication. He was beginning to see objects and movement. He was thankful for the new liver. He wasn't always sure where he was, but he was appreciative of my mom, myself, family and friends. I helped him with eating and he was able to stand and walk to the bathroom. The catheter was removed. His spirits were high and his attitude was pleasant. Then, it was time for me to come home.
I am not sure exactly what has happened since I left. I feel like for my sake, my mom wants to guard and protect me from the reality of what is happening or maybe if she doesn't verbalize it, it isn't real. They believe that he suffered a massive air embolism during the transplant which is causing the blindness. They also believe he may have suffered one or several mini strokes which has resulted in his reduced strength on one side. He may have also had a lack of blood flow and elevated blood pressure during surgery that caused additional issues. Actually, no one is exactly sure what happened or why. What I do know is that the longer he stayed in the hospital ICU the more irritated, agitated and frustrated he became. Doctors reported that he may have a full recovery. My mom reported that he doesn't understand why he is there, why he has to take medication and why he needs physical therapy. The plan was to discharge him to rehabilitation; however, a bed was not available where he was. My mom was told to check out nursing homes. Fortunately the hospital located a rehabilitation hospital and he was transferred.
Within days of being transferred to the acute rehabilitation center, he returned back to the hospital where the transplant occurred. The liver is reportedly doing well; it is the anxiety and pain that is not. He is being elevated to a higher level of care than when he was initially discharged. I just received a text from my mom that he will move to that floor after an operation and I have absolutely no idea what the operation is for. His white blood cells are elevated and his pain medication has been greatly increased. It is so difficult to be away from the situation waiting on information and updates. I wish that I could do more. All I can do is pray and be thankful for my step dad's transplant. Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
New Shower Curtains
For anyone who knows me, my life is not complete without an updated shower curtain. It had been a while since I actually purchased a new shower curtain. Especially since I downsized and actually got rid of a few. I have to admit I don't really change the shower curtain in the basement bathroom very often. Don't get me wrong, I have about six curtains down there that I rotate around, I just don't do it as much since I seldom use that bathroom.
When I purchased my set of golf clubs, I received a rebate for $50 at Menards. My intention was to purchase a chain saw. I mean what better purchase than a chain saw? The last time I borrowed one, I managed to cut down a live tree, have it fall across a dozen wires and land on my garage! I could only imagine what I could do with my very own chain saw! So instead, I managed to buy two shower curtains and a bunch of other miscellaneous things instead. Of course this one, I think I may put in the basement bathroom with the orange too!
Maybe some day I will find a new hobby or passion. For now I like the instant change to the bathroom, the lack of storage room necessary to house my obsession and the low cost involved! :)
When I purchased my set of golf clubs, I received a rebate for $50 at Menards. My intention was to purchase a chain saw. I mean what better purchase than a chain saw? The last time I borrowed one, I managed to cut down a live tree, have it fall across a dozen wires and land on my garage! I could only imagine what I could do with my very own chain saw! So instead, I managed to buy two shower curtains and a bunch of other miscellaneous things instead. Of course this one, I think I may put in the basement bathroom with the orange too!
Maybe some day I will find a new hobby or passion. For now I like the instant change to the bathroom, the lack of storage room necessary to house my obsession and the low cost involved! :)
Outdoor House Updates
I finally decided to replace my garage roof. I had a feeling if I waited much longer, the roof would have caved in completely. I wasn't entirely thrilled with the price, but it was done in a day and I am glad to have it replaced!
I haven't done much to the inside of the house. I have been keeping busy painting at MS' house since he moved and really don't have much energy or desire to do much on my house. Earlier this year I discontinued our DISH and switched to AT&T Uverse. I decided I had had enough of the wires and cables in and around the house. I didn't realize exactly how much I had from the various services over the years!
I also came back from vacation and found that I had a decent size hole in the cement in the driveway. Apparently some rodent dug through the bottom of the window well and and caused the cement to cave in. MS and I were able to repair the hole as well as a big chunk of the side door step that had broken off when moving in the new washing machine.
Other than going through a refinance to lower my interest rate and reduce a couple years off the term, things on the housing front have been pretty calm (knock, knock).
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| Before |
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| After |
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| Cable/Phone Excess Wires |
Other than going through a refinance to lower my interest rate and reduce a couple years off the term, things on the housing front have been pretty calm (knock, knock).
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Parenting a Fifteen Year Old...
T and I are...very alike. Primarily, we are both very independent and very...anti-social. Don't get me wrong. Sure I can talk and I can mingle, but I prefer to stick with the known. For work, I can easily spend hours engaging with new people, that is my job. But, my personal life I am very different. I am honest and loyal and struggle with trusting others. I believe that T has all these same traits, and for that, I am sad.
I wish that T was carefree. I wish that he would meet and engage with others. I don't know if it is a result of genetics or the back and forth homes of separated parents. I tire trying to understand the why. Maybe it is just kids these days. They are tech savvy and communication with friends is through gaming or texting. I didn't have those devices. We met people and went out with friends. We rode bikes and climbed trees. We worked.
T and I have battled it out in our style, which is me with a semi-stern voice, about his lack of communication. That I don't appreciate the one word responses that are oh so common with teens. The vacation was good as the lack of computer and cell phone service for him, forced us to spend quality time together. Of course the 40 plus hours in the car definitely added to that, although again T is like me. If a passenger, he will sleep.
T completed his Freshman year with excellent grades. He has decided to only play baseball, which I can admit I am disappointed for his sake. Trust me I love not having to transport and observe! His class schedule is incredibly hard, but being a teen, he waits until the last minute to complete his summer homework for his Advanced Placement class! T took his AP test for college transfer credit last Spring and passed! Of course we have no idea if it will actually count for anything if and when he goes to college.
T finally participated in Driver's Training. He has his Level I permit. Driver's Education was a blast, not really. But we survived the three week, four nights a week plus drive time and observation schedule. We now are in the logging phase. I don't have to insure him until he receives his actual driver's license, so I am beginning to think he will always have a permit! Actually, State Farm has a program for youth under 25 that if you complete a drivers log (20 drives in 60 days) you receive a discount. They also have a discount for a student getting good grades! Any savings will definitely help!
School baseball and community baseball wrapped up shortly after the 4th of July. T was more than ready to be done - having felt that he had been practicing since Christmas! I was glad for it to be done too!
Earlier this week T started Phase II of his braces. Twenty some odd months, with more than half of that time requiring intensive rubber band work. I have to say, the pain has been more than miserable for him. I only hope that the braces allow his back teeth to touch!
I am blessed to have a wonderful, healthy, happy, honest, humorous and smart young man (to name a few). I am blessed each day. As he inches closer to 16...I can only wait to see what the future holds for him.
I wish that T was carefree. I wish that he would meet and engage with others. I don't know if it is a result of genetics or the back and forth homes of separated parents. I tire trying to understand the why. Maybe it is just kids these days. They are tech savvy and communication with friends is through gaming or texting. I didn't have those devices. We met people and went out with friends. We rode bikes and climbed trees. We worked.
T and I have battled it out in our style, which is me with a semi-stern voice, about his lack of communication. That I don't appreciate the one word responses that are oh so common with teens. The vacation was good as the lack of computer and cell phone service for him, forced us to spend quality time together. Of course the 40 plus hours in the car definitely added to that, although again T is like me. If a passenger, he will sleep.
T completed his Freshman year with excellent grades. He has decided to only play baseball, which I can admit I am disappointed for his sake. Trust me I love not having to transport and observe! His class schedule is incredibly hard, but being a teen, he waits until the last minute to complete his summer homework for his Advanced Placement class! T took his AP test for college transfer credit last Spring and passed! Of course we have no idea if it will actually count for anything if and when he goes to college.
T finally participated in Driver's Training. He has his Level I permit. Driver's Education was a blast, not really. But we survived the three week, four nights a week plus drive time and observation schedule. We now are in the logging phase. I don't have to insure him until he receives his actual driver's license, so I am beginning to think he will always have a permit! Actually, State Farm has a program for youth under 25 that if you complete a drivers log (20 drives in 60 days) you receive a discount. They also have a discount for a student getting good grades! Any savings will definitely help!
School baseball and community baseball wrapped up shortly after the 4th of July. T was more than ready to be done - having felt that he had been practicing since Christmas! I was glad for it to be done too!
Earlier this week T started Phase II of his braces. Twenty some odd months, with more than half of that time requiring intensive rubber band work. I have to say, the pain has been more than miserable for him. I only hope that the braces allow his back teeth to touch!
I am blessed to have a wonderful, healthy, happy, honest, humorous and smart young man (to name a few). I am blessed each day. As he inches closer to 16...I can only wait to see what the future holds for him.
The Call
Tonight as I sit here typing blog after blog, I do so out of avoidance. Avoidance of the attempt to fall asleep. I even have the television off, so I can avoid the background noise. I would love to be able to sleep. I really would. I just don't think, regardless of how tired I am, that sleep will come easily.
My step dad, who has been a great father and dad to me for over fifteen years, is ill. A year ago, my dad and his wife were attempting to get my dad on the heart transplant list. They were not successful. My dad passed a year ago this month. There are times when I think of him and reminisce. I even ask my brother about my dad's wife, almost half caring (honestly, I do care, as much as I would like to say I don't!). Fast forward to a year later. My step dad is ill.
He was recently diagnosed with liver cancer. He had the surgery to "zap" the cancer. My mother and step dad are the exact opposite of my father and his wife. While they faced emotional challenges with the medical process, my step dad was approved for a liver transplant. He was "fifth" on the "list". They were told to never be more than an hour away from the hospital, which meant my mom couldn't go to South Dakota with us.
Tonight, weeks after he was accepted to the list, my mom received the call. I am not sure how one emotionally, physically or mentally prepares for a transplant. While you go through the training and preparations, like most things in life, you are never fully prepared for being in the moment. They were told to arrive at the hospital a few hours later. Testing is being done on the donor liver to see if the transplant will be possible. The results should have been in a few hours ago. Due to this late hour, my mom would never call or text me; however, she should know that I would be up. Waiting. Worrying. Wondering. My step dad is prepped. They are at the hospital Waiting. Worrying. Wondering. I am sure they are experiencing many more emotions, thoughts, fears and concerns than I can ever imagine. I want to be there to support them, but mom said it isn't necessary. The surgery may happen early in the morning. I have a work event to attend in the early morning, which I would bail in a heartbeat! But for now, I wait until I am wanted or needed. I would rather be there. I feel so helpless.
This is out of my hands. It is in HIS hands...
My step dad, who has been a great father and dad to me for over fifteen years, is ill. A year ago, my dad and his wife were attempting to get my dad on the heart transplant list. They were not successful. My dad passed a year ago this month. There are times when I think of him and reminisce. I even ask my brother about my dad's wife, almost half caring (honestly, I do care, as much as I would like to say I don't!). Fast forward to a year later. My step dad is ill.
He was recently diagnosed with liver cancer. He had the surgery to "zap" the cancer. My mother and step dad are the exact opposite of my father and his wife. While they faced emotional challenges with the medical process, my step dad was approved for a liver transplant. He was "fifth" on the "list". They were told to never be more than an hour away from the hospital, which meant my mom couldn't go to South Dakota with us.
Tonight, weeks after he was accepted to the list, my mom received the call. I am not sure how one emotionally, physically or mentally prepares for a transplant. While you go through the training and preparations, like most things in life, you are never fully prepared for being in the moment. They were told to arrive at the hospital a few hours later. Testing is being done on the donor liver to see if the transplant will be possible. The results should have been in a few hours ago. Due to this late hour, my mom would never call or text me; however, she should know that I would be up. Waiting. Worrying. Wondering. My step dad is prepped. They are at the hospital Waiting. Worrying. Wondering. I am sure they are experiencing many more emotions, thoughts, fears and concerns than I can ever imagine. I want to be there to support them, but mom said it isn't necessary. The surgery may happen early in the morning. I have a work event to attend in the early morning, which I would bail in a heartbeat! But for now, I wait until I am wanted or needed. I would rather be there. I feel so helpless.
This is out of my hands. It is in HIS hands...
Family Vacation - South Dakota
I am not sure how I forgot how my life was so impacted by K for those three months. My life revolved around K and his needs and appointments while in the midst of baseball season for T. Balancing was becoming a juggling act and I know that T and my needs were smoldering from the heat of the back burner.
So I was looking forward to the time when K was going to move to his new family. June. Summer would then be filled with going back to our routine lifestyle of baseball, baseball and more baseball. T needed to get in driver's training and then of course planning some much needed vacations!
With T with his dad for two weeks, that allowed me to go to Aruba with MS. It also allowed for me to plan a cross country vacation with T to South Dakota to visit my brother and family. Initially the trip was my mom's idea; however, due to her husband's ailing health and acceptance to the list for a liver transplant, she needed to be home with my step dad. Always wanting to see Mount Rushmore, I still planned the trip with just T.
T finished up driver's training just before his time with his dad and then our vacation. He would be able to log in some serious driving hours from Michigan to South Dakota. We took our time driving out to South Dakota, staying in Minnesota the first evening. We arrived at my brother's house mid-day on a Tuesday. I was excited to spend time with my brother and his family. We see each other for holidays or during the summer, but have never spent significant amounts of time together. I was eager to spend time with my two nephews (8 and 6) and my niece (almost 2).
On Thursday, we drove across South Dakota en route to Mount Rushmore. T and I drove separately as we didn't have a vehicle large enough for seven of us, which allowed us some much needed quiet time! We stopped at Corn Palace, Wall Drug and the Badlands. We visited Mount Rushmore and Sylvan Lake. We were able to spend a day hiking the '76 trail and several trails nearby. We also spent a day at a water park, went to a cowboy show, saw my oldest nephew's first football game and bonded with the kids!
T and I had a great time. There were many stories that could be told which I will keep them off the blog. We loved Sylvan Lake and the picturesque views. T loved that he could swim and climb rock formations. Mount Rushmore was a bucket list success! The entire trip was a success of bucket list adventures! T and I shared many laughs which turned into tears strolling down my face! So many wonderful memories to cherish! By the drive home, T and I were both overly exhausted from driving. He chose not to drive when given the option. In less than a month, T has completed more than the required 30 hours of driving! And fortunately, we didn't have any car issues!
So I was looking forward to the time when K was going to move to his new family. June. Summer would then be filled with going back to our routine lifestyle of baseball, baseball and more baseball. T needed to get in driver's training and then of course planning some much needed vacations!
With T with his dad for two weeks, that allowed me to go to Aruba with MS. It also allowed for me to plan a cross country vacation with T to South Dakota to visit my brother and family. Initially the trip was my mom's idea; however, due to her husband's ailing health and acceptance to the list for a liver transplant, she needed to be home with my step dad. Always wanting to see Mount Rushmore, I still planned the trip with just T.
T finished up driver's training just before his time with his dad and then our vacation. He would be able to log in some serious driving hours from Michigan to South Dakota. We took our time driving out to South Dakota, staying in Minnesota the first evening. We arrived at my brother's house mid-day on a Tuesday. I was excited to spend time with my brother and his family. We see each other for holidays or during the summer, but have never spent significant amounts of time together. I was eager to spend time with my two nephews (8 and 6) and my niece (almost 2).
On Thursday, we drove across South Dakota en route to Mount Rushmore. T and I drove separately as we didn't have a vehicle large enough for seven of us, which allowed us some much needed quiet time! We stopped at Corn Palace, Wall Drug and the Badlands. We visited Mount Rushmore and Sylvan Lake. We were able to spend a day hiking the '76 trail and several trails nearby. We also spent a day at a water park, went to a cowboy show, saw my oldest nephew's first football game and bonded with the kids!
T and I had a great time. There were many stories that could be told which I will keep them off the blog. We loved Sylvan Lake and the picturesque views. T loved that he could swim and climb rock formations. Mount Rushmore was a bucket list success! The entire trip was a success of bucket list adventures! T and I shared many laughs which turned into tears strolling down my face! So many wonderful memories to cherish! By the drive home, T and I were both overly exhausted from driving. He chose not to drive when given the option. In less than a month, T has completed more than the required 30 hours of driving! And fortunately, we didn't have any car issues!
Fostering: The "Three Days" Experience
I just realized that one of the major reasons I stopped blogging was that I accepted placement of a teen foster child. And until now, I have never blogged about the experience. I truly believe that a piece of my heart and soul left when K left. Similar to the overnight experience where I took two young children home from my office at 10:15p.m. because we couldn't find homes and the children were trashing our office and we all needed sleep, I thought I could help. Temporarily.
Due to confidentiality, ailing memory and time passed, the memories and experiences with K are already diminishing. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and hope the best for him. I hope that I impacted his life in a positive way and yet my greatest fear is that I caused more harm than good.
You see, I am a licensed foster parent who is only interested in providing short term, emergency or respite care. I want to be able to aid other foster families in a time of need. I want to be able to help workers when placements can't be secured immediately. However, selfishly, I want to enjoy being a "part-time" parent. I have joint custody of my son, which means that a little less than half the time, he is with his father. Therefore, I am a single. No longer just a "single parent". During my childless days I often work late hours or spend time with MS. I don't parent my child full-time and I clearly don't have the desire to parent someone else's child full-time. I say this honestly and truthfully. I know what my limitations are. I also know that deep down, when push comes to shove, I will put my own needs, wants and desires to the side for others.
And one day in early March, after facilitating a meeting, I decided that I could assist a youth for a couple of days until a foster home could be secured. Returning home wasn't an option and he didn't need/deserve to stay where he was. I thought...three days. Three days. I can do this.
Unfortunately the potential placements for K didn't work out. I'm not really sure how in my decade and a half of children's services work I had convinced myself that finding a home for an African American, special needs teenage boy with pending charges would be easy and achieved in three days! Naive. As K attended school near my house, I thought that a few days was doable that he could go to school and all would be well. After three days, there were still no local options for placement. Due to K's needs, he would be bussed to the school anywhere in the county, but finding a home in the county was no longer obtainable. A family stepped forward to accept placement of K, having known him from school. The family was eager to become licensed to accept placement. Three months. Three months. I can do this.
Meanwhile, I focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. I tried to work diligently with the other family and wanted them to get to know K so the transition would go well. The family didn't seem too interested. They had a few visits that had gone well. I continued to have my moments with K. Due to speech and language issues, K could be very loud. This was extremely difficult for T and I asked for replacement. I battled with doing so and finally had a talk with K about his behaviors and how screaming would not be allowed. If he screamed, he would have to pay me .25 every time. Surprisingly, motivated by money, this worked most of the time. That is until K would scream that I was "stealing his money", despite the fact that I only touched his money when he asked me to help count it, or to put it away.
I always reiterated with K that my home was a temporary home. Kids only come to stay for a very short while. Never once did I imply to K that he could stay with me. K also had visits with his family which were very inconsistent. This caused me more issue than K with scheduling, transportation and my work. K definitely seemed to be bonding to me. In many ways he was like a young child struggling with separation from me. He always wanted me to do things with him. No one else could do it like me, even though others could do things better - like throw a football! He no longer had interest in video games and constantly wanted my attention. I was emotionally drained. MS still lived an hour away at the time, so I was constantly on the "go" mode. I didn't have my own downtime. I was parenting full time. We had mastered how to make counseling a little more effective with me being an active participant as the foster parent, interpreter and at times it felt like the therapist. I can't honestly say that counseling was beneficial though.
MS was as supportive as possible. Having K had it's good moments too! He definitely made us laugh. From his constant, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" to his anger outbursts and threats of "I'M GONNA THROW FIT!!!" I knew what K was capable of, but I also knew that he would never hurt me. He had never personally threatened me. He had threatened to break things in the home or punch holes in the wall, but the concrete walls were too much of a match for him! My house and my heart appeared a perfect match for him!
Finally the family was ready for K. Unfortunately, K wasn't ready for them. Ultimately, the placement failed. Despite my attempts to be a support for the family and to aid in the transition, there was nothing that could be done to salvage the placement. K needed an emergency placement. K wanted to be in my home. I felt the guilt. I agreed to one night but knew that a subsequent home for K would not be likely. His threats of harming police and professionals would not be welcome. School was drawing to an end. I had not planned on K being with me for the summer. What was I to do with an almost 14 year old special needs child while I worked full-time. K wanted to stay home. I told him that if he were going to stay at my house for any length of time, he would have to go to summer day camp while I worked. He agreed. For the two days before summer camp began.
I couldn't emotionally handle daily and nightly struggles with K about him dictating what he would or wouldn't do. I asked for him to be moved. It had already been determined that his being in my home was a bad thing. Bad because as I was told, "Whatever you did. However you did it. You succeeded. K bonded to you." And therefore, any potential placement would be sabotaged by K so that he would return to my house. Unfortunately, K will not graduate from high school. He will need some care for the rest of his life. I cannot commit to K. I can commit to love him and be a support or a respite for him, but not his caregiver. Not his parent. Ultimately, the placement disrupted. K then blew through several other possible placements within hours and ended up full circle back to where he started when I agreed to take him for three days.
They won't let me see him. They won't let him call me. I am following the rules. Part of my heart is broken. As I type this I have difficulty seeing through the tears. I loved K. I love K. But I know that I can't be K's mom. As much as K wants this. I battled back and forth. If MS could help me out now living closer and our teen boys could help and...and then I realize that they didn't sign up for this. I did. And as much as I want the best for K, I know that K is not the best for me and T.
I did receive a letter, a month after K wrote it. I cried. He apologized and wants to come back here to live. I have no doubt about that. But I can't give K what he needs long term. I am so thankful for the opportunity to have K in my life. It has been 2.5 months since K left. I still miss him, but every day is a little less. There are constant reminders of him. I feel the void. I wonder if he is capable of feeling it too.
Due to confidentiality, ailing memory and time passed, the memories and experiences with K are already diminishing. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him and hope the best for him. I hope that I impacted his life in a positive way and yet my greatest fear is that I caused more harm than good.
You see, I am a licensed foster parent who is only interested in providing short term, emergency or respite care. I want to be able to aid other foster families in a time of need. I want to be able to help workers when placements can't be secured immediately. However, selfishly, I want to enjoy being a "part-time" parent. I have joint custody of my son, which means that a little less than half the time, he is with his father. Therefore, I am a single. No longer just a "single parent". During my childless days I often work late hours or spend time with MS. I don't parent my child full-time and I clearly don't have the desire to parent someone else's child full-time. I say this honestly and truthfully. I know what my limitations are. I also know that deep down, when push comes to shove, I will put my own needs, wants and desires to the side for others.
And one day in early March, after facilitating a meeting, I decided that I could assist a youth for a couple of days until a foster home could be secured. Returning home wasn't an option and he didn't need/deserve to stay where he was. I thought...three days. Three days. I can do this.
Unfortunately the potential placements for K didn't work out. I'm not really sure how in my decade and a half of children's services work I had convinced myself that finding a home for an African American, special needs teenage boy with pending charges would be easy and achieved in three days! Naive. As K attended school near my house, I thought that a few days was doable that he could go to school and all would be well. After three days, there were still no local options for placement. Due to K's needs, he would be bussed to the school anywhere in the county, but finding a home in the county was no longer obtainable. A family stepped forward to accept placement of K, having known him from school. The family was eager to become licensed to accept placement. Three months. Three months. I can do this.
Meanwhile, I focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. I tried to work diligently with the other family and wanted them to get to know K so the transition would go well. The family didn't seem too interested. They had a few visits that had gone well. I continued to have my moments with K. Due to speech and language issues, K could be very loud. This was extremely difficult for T and I asked for replacement. I battled with doing so and finally had a talk with K about his behaviors and how screaming would not be allowed. If he screamed, he would have to pay me .25 every time. Surprisingly, motivated by money, this worked most of the time. That is until K would scream that I was "stealing his money", despite the fact that I only touched his money when he asked me to help count it, or to put it away.
I always reiterated with K that my home was a temporary home. Kids only come to stay for a very short while. Never once did I imply to K that he could stay with me. K also had visits with his family which were very inconsistent. This caused me more issue than K with scheduling, transportation and my work. K definitely seemed to be bonding to me. In many ways he was like a young child struggling with separation from me. He always wanted me to do things with him. No one else could do it like me, even though others could do things better - like throw a football! He no longer had interest in video games and constantly wanted my attention. I was emotionally drained. MS still lived an hour away at the time, so I was constantly on the "go" mode. I didn't have my own downtime. I was parenting full time. We had mastered how to make counseling a little more effective with me being an active participant as the foster parent, interpreter and at times it felt like the therapist. I can't honestly say that counseling was beneficial though.
MS was as supportive as possible. Having K had it's good moments too! He definitely made us laugh. From his constant, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" to his anger outbursts and threats of "I'M GONNA THROW FIT!!!" I knew what K was capable of, but I also knew that he would never hurt me. He had never personally threatened me. He had threatened to break things in the home or punch holes in the wall, but the concrete walls were too much of a match for him! My house and my heart appeared a perfect match for him!
Finally the family was ready for K. Unfortunately, K wasn't ready for them. Ultimately, the placement failed. Despite my attempts to be a support for the family and to aid in the transition, there was nothing that could be done to salvage the placement. K needed an emergency placement. K wanted to be in my home. I felt the guilt. I agreed to one night but knew that a subsequent home for K would not be likely. His threats of harming police and professionals would not be welcome. School was drawing to an end. I had not planned on K being with me for the summer. What was I to do with an almost 14 year old special needs child while I worked full-time. K wanted to stay home. I told him that if he were going to stay at my house for any length of time, he would have to go to summer day camp while I worked. He agreed. For the two days before summer camp began.
I couldn't emotionally handle daily and nightly struggles with K about him dictating what he would or wouldn't do. I asked for him to be moved. It had already been determined that his being in my home was a bad thing. Bad because as I was told, "Whatever you did. However you did it. You succeeded. K bonded to you." And therefore, any potential placement would be sabotaged by K so that he would return to my house. Unfortunately, K will not graduate from high school. He will need some care for the rest of his life. I cannot commit to K. I can commit to love him and be a support or a respite for him, but not his caregiver. Not his parent. Ultimately, the placement disrupted. K then blew through several other possible placements within hours and ended up full circle back to where he started when I agreed to take him for three days.
They won't let me see him. They won't let him call me. I am following the rules. Part of my heart is broken. As I type this I have difficulty seeing through the tears. I loved K. I love K. But I know that I can't be K's mom. As much as K wants this. I battled back and forth. If MS could help me out now living closer and our teen boys could help and...and then I realize that they didn't sign up for this. I did. And as much as I want the best for K, I know that K is not the best for me and T.
I did receive a letter, a month after K wrote it. I cried. He apologized and wants to come back here to live. I have no doubt about that. But I can't give K what he needs long term. I am so thankful for the opportunity to have K in my life. It has been 2.5 months since K left. I still miss him, but every day is a little less. There are constant reminders of him. I feel the void. I wonder if he is capable of feeling it too.
Reunion Regret?
After returning home from Aruba, I had a completely full week at work. I had several late home visits planned and had to make up for being gone on vacation as well as my upcoming vacation the following week to South Dakota.
I think I worked somewhere around 55 hours that week in addition to bringing home two foster children for a night. My 20 year class reunion was the weekend between both vacations and I really struggled with whether to drive the 2.5 hours across state for the event. Even the morning of, I was still struggling. I had yet to grocery shop for food and snacks for the cross country trip or pack my suitcase and the car. In addition, MS was working the weekend and he wouldn't be able to come. Granted, I never asked him to come. Honestly, I think if I had asked him, he would have gone with me and we would have driven back the same night or early the next morning before he had to work. I wasn't sure that I wanted to bring MS if I went. For my 10 year reunion, my then husband and I attended. I just felt without a commitment of engagement, I didn't want to bring "a date" to the reunion. Then I feared how MS would be affected by that, especially since I believe his ex-wife had an affair with an old classmate.
Honestly, I was just too exhausted to deal with it all. I didn't want to cause any friction or concerns between MS and I before leaving for 1.5 weeks on vacation without him. If the drive had been less, or the reunion wasn't smack dab in the middle of two vacations, I would have gone. I have no regrets for not going. From the pictures, there were a few people I would have liked to see, but nothing I will lose sleep over! So instead, I spent the weekend, catching up on things around the house, packing and spending what time I could with MS when he wasn't working.
I think I worked somewhere around 55 hours that week in addition to bringing home two foster children for a night. My 20 year class reunion was the weekend between both vacations and I really struggled with whether to drive the 2.5 hours across state for the event. Even the morning of, I was still struggling. I had yet to grocery shop for food and snacks for the cross country trip or pack my suitcase and the car. In addition, MS was working the weekend and he wouldn't be able to come. Granted, I never asked him to come. Honestly, I think if I had asked him, he would have gone with me and we would have driven back the same night or early the next morning before he had to work. I wasn't sure that I wanted to bring MS if I went. For my 10 year reunion, my then husband and I attended. I just felt without a commitment of engagement, I didn't want to bring "a date" to the reunion. Then I feared how MS would be affected by that, especially since I believe his ex-wife had an affair with an old classmate.
Honestly, I was just too exhausted to deal with it all. I didn't want to cause any friction or concerns between MS and I before leaving for 1.5 weeks on vacation without him. If the drive had been less, or the reunion wasn't smack dab in the middle of two vacations, I would have gone. I have no regrets for not going. From the pictures, there were a few people I would have liked to see, but nothing I will lose sleep over! So instead, I spent the weekend, catching up on things around the house, packing and spending what time I could with MS when he wasn't working.
Finally My Aruban Vacation
Last year when MS and I went to Mexico, we each received a $400 airfare voucher to use on another flight. We had to book something by early August. With the craziness of MS' move and summer, time was dwindling fast for booking something. Needless to say, I tend to be more of a last minute vacationer anyway! MS had two weeks off of work, but only one of the weeks was T going to be with his dad. T was also finally completing his driver's training, so I wasn't able to leave any sooner.
Many years ago, I set a personal weight loss goal. If I reached my goal, my reward was to go to Aruba. I never did reach that goal. I came within five pounds and I can honestly say I am over 30 pounds from it now. But the desire to travel to Aruba has always remained. It helps that I have access to a timeshare there as well! I had some timeshare availability and surprisingly Aruba had condos available; however, by the time MS agreed and I picked up his passport and airline voucher to book, the condo was gone! I was devastated. I figured it must have been meant to be, some bigger reason which made the vacation impossible.
I searched other vacations, even considering a cruise again! The next day, another condo was available and I booked it! With our airfare vouchers we only paid $200 each for the flight. I had been anticipating that our vacation would be a deal breaker in the relationship. Either we would stay together or we wouldn't. Of course there was my guilt and I finally resolved to let the relationship stress go and enjoy the moments. No pressure.
While our vacation was definitely less expensive than an all-inclusive, MS and I do better when there are less choices and decisions to make. I feel like we often do not make choices as we can't decide. MS did book an ABC Jeep Tour all day excursion around Aruba which we enjoyed. We didn't bother to rent a car and used the bus to get both up and downtown. Neither of us found anything worth purchasing - other than some alcohol to make drinks in the condo!
On our final day, we went parasailing. One of the things on my imaginary bucket list! Due to our combined weight, we were unable to fly tandem. I went first. I went last. While I didn't know better, I guess it is uncommon to have the parasail suddenly jerk to and fro. I tried to take deep breaths and will any potential motion sickness away. I enjoyed the sailing and overlooking the various depths of the water below. Unfortunately, my ride was cut very short due to the weather. MS told me that they were unable to manage the boat safely with the rough waters and the wind. We received a full refund and I can cross it off my list!
As for MS and I, I didn't have any fears that there would be a proposal this vacation. Our relationship just seems to have simmered. Obviously he could have completely blindsided me and I can admit I wondered how I would respond and how it would have affected the rest of the vacation. MS did in his casual, flat affect way say to me a few days in, "Just because I wanted to say thank you for all of your help with my move and the house, here's a little something." He handed me a large jewelry box. He had purchased a beautiful necklace for me.
I have to say that overall, I wasn't impressed with Aruba. Having been to Grenada, Trinidad, Mexico, Hawaii and the Bahamas, I wouldn't return back to Aruba. There was nothing that I found memorable or worthy of a second vacation. So another destination crossed off my list...where to next? Mount Rushmore!!!!
Many years ago, I set a personal weight loss goal. If I reached my goal, my reward was to go to Aruba. I never did reach that goal. I came within five pounds and I can honestly say I am over 30 pounds from it now. But the desire to travel to Aruba has always remained. It helps that I have access to a timeshare there as well! I had some timeshare availability and surprisingly Aruba had condos available; however, by the time MS agreed and I picked up his passport and airline voucher to book, the condo was gone! I was devastated. I figured it must have been meant to be, some bigger reason which made the vacation impossible.
I searched other vacations, even considering a cruise again! The next day, another condo was available and I booked it! With our airfare vouchers we only paid $200 each for the flight. I had been anticipating that our vacation would be a deal breaker in the relationship. Either we would stay together or we wouldn't. Of course there was my guilt and I finally resolved to let the relationship stress go and enjoy the moments. No pressure.
While our vacation was definitely less expensive than an all-inclusive, MS and I do better when there are less choices and decisions to make. I feel like we often do not make choices as we can't decide. MS did book an ABC Jeep Tour all day excursion around Aruba which we enjoyed. We didn't bother to rent a car and used the bus to get both up and downtown. Neither of us found anything worth purchasing - other than some alcohol to make drinks in the condo!
On our final day, we went parasailing. One of the things on my imaginary bucket list! Due to our combined weight, we were unable to fly tandem. I went first. I went last. While I didn't know better, I guess it is uncommon to have the parasail suddenly jerk to and fro. I tried to take deep breaths and will any potential motion sickness away. I enjoyed the sailing and overlooking the various depths of the water below. Unfortunately, my ride was cut very short due to the weather. MS told me that they were unable to manage the boat safely with the rough waters and the wind. We received a full refund and I can cross it off my list!
As for MS and I, I didn't have any fears that there would be a proposal this vacation. Our relationship just seems to have simmered. Obviously he could have completely blindsided me and I can admit I wondered how I would respond and how it would have affected the rest of the vacation. MS did in his casual, flat affect way say to me a few days in, "Just because I wanted to say thank you for all of your help with my move and the house, here's a little something." He handed me a large jewelry box. He had purchased a beautiful necklace for me.
I have to say that overall, I wasn't impressed with Aruba. Having been to Grenada, Trinidad, Mexico, Hawaii and the Bahamas, I wouldn't return back to Aruba. There was nothing that I found memorable or worthy of a second vacation. So another destination crossed off my list...where to next? Mount Rushmore!!!!
Dating Drivel
MS and I are still dating. When I last blogged, I was struggling with the feelings of the possibility of MS moving closer. I have to admit, that those feelings still exist, although they have transformed slightly. MS did list his house and sold it within a month. As he was pressed with a move out date, he quickly began searching for houses in the town I live in. He made an offer on a house, which was countered. During the countering process, he found another house which he liked better that he made an offer, which after some countering the deal was done.
MS and his son moved into their new house in mid-June. The house is literally 0.4 miles from my front door to his front door. I wasn't sure how I felt about him moving closer. For the most part, the most prevalent feelings were the possible ones of guilt. The premonition of feelings I would have if the relationship didn't work and this man and his teenage son found themselves residing in a town where they didn't want to live. MS and I had talked about this several times. He assured me that his moving wasn't just to be closer to me. While obviously that was a bonus, he wanted to move to be free of an over sized house and payment as well as give his son a fresh start.
There is definitely something to be said about long distance and local distance relationships. I can't say that I have ever really had a successful local relationship, although the inherit desire for convenience has been prevalent. With the distance relationship, I made plans to spend child free weekends and nights with him. We spent long periods of time together, sometimes it felt as if it were too much, but the hour commute home wasn't worth it. MS and I seldom disagree. Granted, there were times I would get frustrated, but with the distance, I never just got in the car to come home and not work something out. Now, I feel like the convenience and the "out" is ever available. With the local distance, MS will text and ask to stop by on his way home from work. I feel lost as to what we should do. Sometimes it is just awkward. Do I feed him? Do I entertain? Do we have to do something? Is he a guest? We no longer have that "plan" of our time together. With the local distance we also do not spend the night together. I think we have spent the night twice in two months, with the exception of our vacation.
I feel as if our relationship has turned into a friendship. We stop by and say HI. We may grab or make dinner together and then we part. The four of us will do things together, like bowling or golfing. Yes, I said golfing.
I am just not sure where we go from here. My good friend D said to me, "Where do you want it to go? Is there someone else? Do you think he's cheating on you? You know you don't want to get married." I am not interested in anyone else and I don't have any concerns that he is either. Do I ever think I want to or will get married? At this point, the answer is NO. So does that mean we stay stagnant?
Somehow, I think that local distance relationships are more work. You can no longer assume a relationship or plans. The bottomline is communication is imperative. If your relationship is important to you, make it a priority. And with that, tonight MS spent time together. More than just sitting on the couch or holding hands. More than just talking about our day. More than being just friends.
MS and his son moved into their new house in mid-June. The house is literally 0.4 miles from my front door to his front door. I wasn't sure how I felt about him moving closer. For the most part, the most prevalent feelings were the possible ones of guilt. The premonition of feelings I would have if the relationship didn't work and this man and his teenage son found themselves residing in a town where they didn't want to live. MS and I had talked about this several times. He assured me that his moving wasn't just to be closer to me. While obviously that was a bonus, he wanted to move to be free of an over sized house and payment as well as give his son a fresh start.
There is definitely something to be said about long distance and local distance relationships. I can't say that I have ever really had a successful local relationship, although the inherit desire for convenience has been prevalent. With the distance relationship, I made plans to spend child free weekends and nights with him. We spent long periods of time together, sometimes it felt as if it were too much, but the hour commute home wasn't worth it. MS and I seldom disagree. Granted, there were times I would get frustrated, but with the distance, I never just got in the car to come home and not work something out. Now, I feel like the convenience and the "out" is ever available. With the local distance, MS will text and ask to stop by on his way home from work. I feel lost as to what we should do. Sometimes it is just awkward. Do I feed him? Do I entertain? Do we have to do something? Is he a guest? We no longer have that "plan" of our time together. With the local distance we also do not spend the night together. I think we have spent the night twice in two months, with the exception of our vacation.
I feel as if our relationship has turned into a friendship. We stop by and say HI. We may grab or make dinner together and then we part. The four of us will do things together, like bowling or golfing. Yes, I said golfing.
I am just not sure where we go from here. My good friend D said to me, "Where do you want it to go? Is there someone else? Do you think he's cheating on you? You know you don't want to get married." I am not interested in anyone else and I don't have any concerns that he is either. Do I ever think I want to or will get married? At this point, the answer is NO. So does that mean we stay stagnant?
Somehow, I think that local distance relationships are more work. You can no longer assume a relationship or plans. The bottomline is communication is imperative. If your relationship is important to you, make it a priority. And with that, tonight MS spent time together. More than just sitting on the couch or holding hands. More than just talking about our day. More than being just friends.
Blogging Revisited
I can honestly admit that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about blogging. I think what I miss the most, is the fact that without blogging, I can't go back and read past posts. I can't go back to a certain time and reflect on what I may have been feeling or thinking or experiencing. In many ways, this blog has been my memory, my calendar if you will. When I need to think back to a time or event, I know in my mind that I can search for something on my blog and it is a perfect reference.
Unfortunately, this year will forever be a blur. I won't have this blog as a reference point to fill in the gaps, since I didn't take the time to actually type anything. As I quickly approach the big 4-0, I find that my memory isn't what I used to think it was. I would love to say that it isn't what I remember it being, but even now I wonder what I remember!
I don't blog for anyone else. I used to have a few friends that would read my blog to catch up on my latest issues. I think for the most part they have all given up even checking anymore. I did receive a text out of the blue tonight from RUR saying that he can no longer "stalk" me via my blog and wondered how I have been. So maybe with his contact and my inability to sleep, I thought I would blog.
Unfortunately, this year will forever be a blur. I won't have this blog as a reference point to fill in the gaps, since I didn't take the time to actually type anything. As I quickly approach the big 4-0, I find that my memory isn't what I used to think it was. I would love to say that it isn't what I remember it being, but even now I wonder what I remember!
I don't blog for anyone else. I used to have a few friends that would read my blog to catch up on my latest issues. I think for the most part they have all given up even checking anymore. I did receive a text out of the blue tonight from RUR saying that he can no longer "stalk" me via my blog and wondered how I have been. So maybe with his contact and my inability to sleep, I thought I would blog.
Monday, May 14, 2012
A Mother's (Day) Advice
Yesterday I had the great opportunity of seeing my mom for Mother's Day! It was the first time I have seen her since my quick visit in early January. She said something to me that I just can't keep thinking about:
"Men and Women are wired differently."
All I can think of is:
Where do I find the wireless version?????
"Men and Women are wired differently."
All I can think of is:
Where do I find the wireless version?????
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Auto-Correct Text
MS has an iphone and regularly uses the auto-text option. Needless to say, I often find some of his texts more than amusing. Tonight was no exception:
MS: "WTF...dude just walked up to the counter with a banana over his face. If I hadn't sort of recognized him from the other day I would have totally hit our panic button. Looked like he was about to frickin rob us!"
At this point, I was laughing hysterically (I still am!). Trying to imagine someone being scary with a banana on their face. Was it just a peel? Was it being held as a moustache or covering ones eyes?
I had never heard him mention a panic button before. Clearly how could he be almost to the point of pushing a panic button over a banana?
ME: "Nice...pharmacy robbed by an armed banana man..."
MS: "Lol, omg...that was supposed to be bandanna. Nice"
Oh how the auto-correct option entertains me!
MS: "WTF...dude just walked up to the counter with a banana over his face. If I hadn't sort of recognized him from the other day I would have totally hit our panic button. Looked like he was about to frickin rob us!"
At this point, I was laughing hysterically (I still am!). Trying to imagine someone being scary with a banana on their face. Was it just a peel? Was it being held as a moustache or covering ones eyes?
I had never heard him mention a panic button before. Clearly how could he be almost to the point of pushing a panic button over a banana?
ME: "Nice...pharmacy robbed by an armed banana man..."
MS: "Lol, omg...that was supposed to be bandanna. Nice"
Oh how the auto-correct option entertains me!
Monday, February 13, 2012
Smash Smashed
I just deleted my DVR'd recording of the second episode of Smash, mid-show. I was actually very interested in watching Smash after seeing the previews. It reminded me of Flash Dance. As I am not a fan of Glee, I hoped it wouldn't be Gleeked.
As I watched the season premiere I didn't know what to think. My son hit it on the nose as he sat on the other couch watching me. He said, "You really wanted to love it. And you didn't."
He was exactly right. I did want to love the show. I did think it would add to my DVR collection of recordings that I am finding difficult to watch. I hoped that maybe the second show would rope me in. Unfortunately, it did not. After ten minutes, I just hit stop and deleted the show. I feel sad. Of course glad that I have one less commitment of watching a television show, but sad that I had such hope and optimism for the show and was left with utter disappointment.
As I watched the season premiere I didn't know what to think. My son hit it on the nose as he sat on the other couch watching me. He said, "You really wanted to love it. And you didn't."
He was exactly right. I did want to love the show. I did think it would add to my DVR collection of recordings that I am finding difficult to watch. I hoped that maybe the second show would rope me in. Unfortunately, it did not. After ten minutes, I just hit stop and deleted the show. I feel sad. Of course glad that I have one less commitment of watching a television show, but sad that I had such hope and optimism for the show and was left with utter disappointment.
Relationship Ramblings...
As I mentioned before, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. MS and I continue to date, almost sixteen months. As MS likes to remind me, no one and no relationship is perfect.
I understand this, but I also feel that some things are non-negotiable. And yet, then I come to realize that maybe I am wrong. Maybe standards, expectations and personal beliefs may be malleable. MS and I have had two major hurdles in our relationship (with the exception of our difference in parenting styles). These hurdles, while they have been crossed, I don't feel like they have been conquered. At the core, I struggle with trust issues. MS has suggested we go to counseling. I am not sure I am ready to go there, but deep down, I know that if I am going to make a commitment, we need help. I can't continue in a relationship with one foot out the door.
MS has told me repeatedly that he would like to spend the rest of his life with me. Granted, he has been most verbal about this during our most difficult and trying times. As of late, he has decided he wants to sell his large house and move closer to me. There hasn't been any discussion of living together. Maybe he really does know me. He has researched the housing market in my area. MS loves the idea of a smaller, more affordable home that would be closer to me and allow us to see each other daily if possible. He even likes several houses on my street that are currently for sale.
While I have explored housing options with him, even so far as contacting a realtor friend to talk to him about sale options on his house. I plan to support him in anyway possible; however, maybe I don't think he will ever move. I did ask him if he would still want to live in my town if we didn't work out. He said he loves my town and would. Somehow I find this hard to believe, but I have to trust him to be honest. MS has yet to talk to his son about the possibility of moving. Wednesday the realtor will talk to him about his options, as MS feels that he will owe at least $40,000 after selling his house due to the downturn of the market when he built his house four years ago.
MS sent me a large fortune cookie for Valentine's Day (it is approximately 1200 calories and 9 servings). He said he hopes to see me Wednesday night to give me the rest of my Valentine's gift. Again, I'm not worried about a proposal. If that was his intention why would he talk and research purchasing a house for him and his son?
I'm just not sure where our relationship is heading. I really think that we both would benefit from a third party addressing both of our concerns and issues. And mom, I really don't think he is the controlling, stalker-type. And yes, I know I said that about my ex-husband too, but...I do believe that MS is different.
I understand this, but I also feel that some things are non-negotiable. And yet, then I come to realize that maybe I am wrong. Maybe standards, expectations and personal beliefs may be malleable. MS and I have had two major hurdles in our relationship (with the exception of our difference in parenting styles). These hurdles, while they have been crossed, I don't feel like they have been conquered. At the core, I struggle with trust issues. MS has suggested we go to counseling. I am not sure I am ready to go there, but deep down, I know that if I am going to make a commitment, we need help. I can't continue in a relationship with one foot out the door.
MS has told me repeatedly that he would like to spend the rest of his life with me. Granted, he has been most verbal about this during our most difficult and trying times. As of late, he has decided he wants to sell his large house and move closer to me. There hasn't been any discussion of living together. Maybe he really does know me. He has researched the housing market in my area. MS loves the idea of a smaller, more affordable home that would be closer to me and allow us to see each other daily if possible. He even likes several houses on my street that are currently for sale.
While I have explored housing options with him, even so far as contacting a realtor friend to talk to him about sale options on his house. I plan to support him in anyway possible; however, maybe I don't think he will ever move. I did ask him if he would still want to live in my town if we didn't work out. He said he loves my town and would. Somehow I find this hard to believe, but I have to trust him to be honest. MS has yet to talk to his son about the possibility of moving. Wednesday the realtor will talk to him about his options, as MS feels that he will owe at least $40,000 after selling his house due to the downturn of the market when he built his house four years ago.
MS sent me a large fortune cookie for Valentine's Day (it is approximately 1200 calories and 9 servings). He said he hopes to see me Wednesday night to give me the rest of my Valentine's gift. Again, I'm not worried about a proposal. If that was his intention why would he talk and research purchasing a house for him and his son?
I'm just not sure where our relationship is heading. I really think that we both would benefit from a third party addressing both of our concerns and issues. And mom, I really don't think he is the controlling, stalker-type. And yes, I know I said that about my ex-husband too, but...I do believe that MS is different.
Health Scare
After my latest physical, I received that dreaded call that my pap was abnormal. I was informed to come in for additional testing. I told very few people. Actually, I believe at the time of the testing, in various different conversations, I informed MS only.
I was scared and yet I didn't want to worry about what I didn't know. Without confirmation, I didn't want to discuss or prepare for a diagnosis. Was I in denial? Was I experiencing different stages of grief and loss and bargaining? I believe that I was staying grounded in the reality that I would acknowledge the test results and plan a course of action.
After an extremely painful procedure, I did share with two other friends what I was experiencing, but not in great detail. Just more of a validation of my distance in conversation as I attempted to focus on the now and not be distracted.
After five long days, I learned that my test results were clear. Even now, almost a week later, I am choked up at the realization that I do not have cervical cancer. My mom is a survivor of both breast and uterine cancer. I believe that I had come to accept the inevitable that I was so overwhelmed when I learned that fortunately I was wrong!
I finally talked to my mom about the procedure. I went into much graphic and comical detail. She asked if I planned to blog about it. Of course, I am actually going to refrain from blogging about the details of the testing. Some things I do keep personal!
I am just very fortunate and blessed.
I was scared and yet I didn't want to worry about what I didn't know. Without confirmation, I didn't want to discuss or prepare for a diagnosis. Was I in denial? Was I experiencing different stages of grief and loss and bargaining? I believe that I was staying grounded in the reality that I would acknowledge the test results and plan a course of action.
After an extremely painful procedure, I did share with two other friends what I was experiencing, but not in great detail. Just more of a validation of my distance in conversation as I attempted to focus on the now and not be distracted.
After five long days, I learned that my test results were clear. Even now, almost a week later, I am choked up at the realization that I do not have cervical cancer. My mom is a survivor of both breast and uterine cancer. I believe that I had come to accept the inevitable that I was so overwhelmed when I learned that fortunately I was wrong!
I finally talked to my mom about the procedure. I went into much graphic and comical detail. She asked if I planned to blog about it. Of course, I am actually going to refrain from blogging about the details of the testing. Some things I do keep personal!
I am just very fortunate and blessed.
Fostering Respite II
I am currently experiencing my third respite foster care experience. The second set of children I respited back in August after returning home from Mexico. While I enjoyed the experience immensely, T thought otherwise. He still appears traumatized by the 7 year old female that repeatedly screamed his name incorrectly and attempted to wake him up earlier than he had hoped.
Needless to say, our current respite of a 10 year old female (D) had the cards stacked against her, in T's book. There is nothing she could say or do that would make T welcome her. Then again, T will be 15 next month and really I don't think any girl rates in his world at this moment (which, I am still perfectly fine with!). I feel bad for our foster child as she knows that T doesn't talk to her and even today she said that he doesn't even know her name, which he confirmed he did!
The current foster home requested respite initially from Sunday - Wednesday, but D came early Saturday morning. As D attends school in the nearby town, keeping her during the school week hasn't been a problem and I've only had to adjust my work schedule less than 1.5 hours a day. The current foster family had a change of plans and is having a "stay-cation" and enjoying being foster childless.
I actually like D. Respite foster care is tough though, trying to maintain another foster parent's schedule. D begins her bedtime routine at 7:00p.m. and is in bed at 8:30p.m. This schedule is maintained on the weekend. While I have done extremely well in keeping to the schedule, it isn't that conducive to T and I's normal routine. But for four days, we can manage.
D even adjusted well when her father canceled his unsupervised visit, the first one EVER he has canceled due to being "sick". I called him to inquire if he wanted to talk to his daughter on the phone. His response, "NO". He further and clearly went on to say, "It is difficult to even talk". I asked if he would want to reschedule the visit if he was feeling better and he said, "NO. Next Monday will be fine." He then said, "Tell her I said to do her homework." And we hung up. Seriously? D inquired twice about not seeing her dad. She was excited she wouldn't be seeing him tomorrow as a make up visit. She wasn't bothered. But I was.
How is it, that even given the opportunity by a foster parent to talk to your daughter, a parent would refuse? I know this answer. I have worked in child welfare and foster care for 14.5 years. I do understand. But...this is the first time, that as a foster parent being sincere and attempting to work with a birth parent (not as a caseworker) that I have been so completely disappointed.
What did D do to deserve this? How hard is it to take a moment to tell someone you care about them, miss them and/or love them? Especially a child. Is it too much to ask?
I guess I attempt to live my life in the best way that I know how. To tell those near and dear that I love them. To live with no regrets. I am not perfect by any means, but when given the opportunity, I try my best and take advantage of every opportunity.
Needless to say, our current respite of a 10 year old female (D) had the cards stacked against her, in T's book. There is nothing she could say or do that would make T welcome her. Then again, T will be 15 next month and really I don't think any girl rates in his world at this moment (which, I am still perfectly fine with!). I feel bad for our foster child as she knows that T doesn't talk to her and even today she said that he doesn't even know her name, which he confirmed he did!
The current foster home requested respite initially from Sunday - Wednesday, but D came early Saturday morning. As D attends school in the nearby town, keeping her during the school week hasn't been a problem and I've only had to adjust my work schedule less than 1.5 hours a day. The current foster family had a change of plans and is having a "stay-cation" and enjoying being foster childless.
I actually like D. Respite foster care is tough though, trying to maintain another foster parent's schedule. D begins her bedtime routine at 7:00p.m. and is in bed at 8:30p.m. This schedule is maintained on the weekend. While I have done extremely well in keeping to the schedule, it isn't that conducive to T and I's normal routine. But for four days, we can manage.
D even adjusted well when her father canceled his unsupervised visit, the first one EVER he has canceled due to being "sick". I called him to inquire if he wanted to talk to his daughter on the phone. His response, "NO". He further and clearly went on to say, "It is difficult to even talk". I asked if he would want to reschedule the visit if he was feeling better and he said, "NO. Next Monday will be fine." He then said, "Tell her I said to do her homework." And we hung up. Seriously? D inquired twice about not seeing her dad. She was excited she wouldn't be seeing him tomorrow as a make up visit. She wasn't bothered. But I was.
How is it, that even given the opportunity by a foster parent to talk to your daughter, a parent would refuse? I know this answer. I have worked in child welfare and foster care for 14.5 years. I do understand. But...this is the first time, that as a foster parent being sincere and attempting to work with a birth parent (not as a caseworker) that I have been so completely disappointed.
What did D do to deserve this? How hard is it to take a moment to tell someone you care about them, miss them and/or love them? Especially a child. Is it too much to ask?
I guess I attempt to live my life in the best way that I know how. To tell those near and dear that I love them. To live with no regrets. I am not perfect by any means, but when given the opportunity, I try my best and take advantage of every opportunity.
Serenity
I love the color brown. Over the years I have added various hues of brown to my living room. Sometime around 2002 I hand painted every single brick on my fireplace one of three colors, two a shade of brown. Last year for my birthday I purchased area rugs for my living room and dining room in different hues of brown.
In late November 2011, I finally finished my brown theme, almost a decade in the making. Although I have to admit, I didn't know it was in the making. Usually, if I start something, I finish it. So the living room and dining room, were always a vision, but never a priority. I purchased a living room set and then a can of paint. MS and I painted the accent wall in the living room a dark mocha brown and painted the door white (removing all traces of the previous purple!). I replaced the window treatment with a new curtain rod and five curtain panels. The curtain rod was actually quite an adventure and after two attempts, I found one at Bed Bath & Beyond large enough (imagine that!).
I purchased wall decor to decorate the walls, including the dining room walls. I tore down the chair rail and the wall paper and border on the dining room wall. I went to a painting store on three occasions and painted plates to hang.
I added the brown wall color to my dresser in the dining room to spruce it up.
The cedar chest that had been in T's room and subsequently moved into the hallway was repainted and for $3.78 I picked up a perfectly matching piece of fabric and replaced the sports decorum.
I have to say that I love, love, love my living room and dining room. I feel so peaceful and content when I walk in the room. I am so relaxed. Accomplished.
Bliss...
In late November 2011, I finally finished my brown theme, almost a decade in the making. Although I have to admit, I didn't know it was in the making. Usually, if I start something, I finish it. So the living room and dining room, were always a vision, but never a priority. I purchased a living room set and then a can of paint. MS and I painted the accent wall in the living room a dark mocha brown and painted the door white (removing all traces of the previous purple!). I replaced the window treatment with a new curtain rod and five curtain panels. The curtain rod was actually quite an adventure and after two attempts, I found one at Bed Bath & Beyond large enough (imagine that!).
I added the brown wall color to my dresser in the dining room to spruce it up.
 |
The dresser: BEFORE |
 |
| Cedar Chest: AFTER |
I have to say that I love, love, love my living room and dining room. I feel so peaceful and content when I walk in the room. I am so relaxed. Accomplished.
 |
| Dining Room: AFTER |
The Next Great Baker : I am Not...
Today JA texted me to confirm that my alias was donned the Next Great Baker. Granted I have never watched or even heard of the show, so I have no idea what exactly reminds me of the winner. Apparently it isn't my baking skills!
I have a meeting tomorrow morning, so I decided to make some cupcakes. I had some orange frosting that I thought by adding red dye would turn red to decorate. Did I mention that last week I participated in a cupcake decorating class? Well, I have since learned that it is all about having the right tools. Even when baking.
Adding red dye to orange does not turn frosting red. And adding blue to not so red frosting only turns frosting the color of baby diarrhea. So not appropriate for Valentines Day cupcakes. Fortunately I also had white frosting in the cupboard.
Surprisingly the camera makes the hearts actually resemble red, not the dark orange they truly are. I attempted to shade the heart in red, which made a mess, so I enhanced the mess! Surprisingly my respite foster daughter chose that one as her snack!
Feeling like there is no way that I can pass off the cupcakes as being made by my three year old child I don't have, I opted to make pink frosting with the white.
While I still need some major decorating assistance, at least I won't be too embarrassed to bring this cake to the meeting. Afterall, I have no intention of quitting my day job anytime soon...
I have a meeting tomorrow morning, so I decided to make some cupcakes. I had some orange frosting that I thought by adding red dye would turn red to decorate. Did I mention that last week I participated in a cupcake decorating class? Well, I have since learned that it is all about having the right tools. Even when baking.
Adding red dye to orange does not turn frosting red. And adding blue to not so red frosting only turns frosting the color of baby diarrhea. So not appropriate for Valentines Day cupcakes. Fortunately I also had white frosting in the cupboard.
Feeling like there is no way that I can pass off the cupcakes as being made by my three year old child I don't have, I opted to make pink frosting with the white.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
G-Men & The Super Bowl
Tonight at dinner my son and I were having a discussion about who is going to win the Super Bowl. Of course I answered with the "New" team. 'Cause that's how I roll. Regardless, T started abbreviating the names of the teams. He said that the Giants are called the G-Men. He then for some reason said it would be weird for New England to be called the N-Men, at which point I inquired why they wouldn't be the P-Men.
Then T says, "So what would the chargers be called?" Not hesitating to think about it...I responded, "C-Men".
At which point my almost 15 year old son burst out laughing. I could only join in the laughter that I am getting too old to realize the joke about semen.
Then T says, "So what would the chargers be called?" Not hesitating to think about it...I responded, "C-Men".
At which point my almost 15 year old son burst out laughing. I could only join in the laughter that I am getting too old to realize the joke about semen.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Gender Inequality
Of course everyone has their own personal experiences and examples of gender inequality. Regardless that it is now 2012, gender bias is still present.
The other day, while flipping through the channels, I stopped to watch Oprah. Her shows, likely all reruns were discussing miraculous weight loss transformations. Confirming at my annual physical, I could definitely lose, a lot of weight, but I digress.
What has truly struck a cord with me, was something the Dr. had said. Paraphrasing, he said:
The other day, while flipping through the channels, I stopped to watch Oprah. Her shows, likely all reruns were discussing miraculous weight loss transformations. Confirming at my annual physical, I could definitely lose, a lot of weight, but I digress.
What has truly struck a cord with me, was something the Dr. had said. Paraphrasing, he said:
For every 35 pounds a man loses, he gains 1" in length of his penis.
SERIOUSLY? I can't seem to get past this astonishing fact. Why does it always seems that men have it better? Not only are they able to lose weight quicker, but now an additional benefit?
Why is it that if I lose 35 pounds I won't gain 1" in breast size? No, the opposite usually happens. Gain weight, gain breast size (and every other size), lose weight, lose breast size...FIRST.
So days later, I'm still truly troubled by this gender inequality. I may be so moved to even make a sign and begin a picket. Nah, I bailed on the picket fence, I clearly won't find the energy or motivation to picket over 1" per 35 pounds.
What I am curious of though, is there a maximum limit of growth? Just imagine those that have to lose 100, 200, 300...oh nevermind. :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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