Saturday in my attempt of being low key and regaining full consciousness and sobriety, I attempted to watch one of my latest blockbuster rentals, Shark vs. Eagle.
I mustered through twenty minutes. Twenty Minutes. It was that bad.
However, on a side note, that twenty minute movie became a twenty minute conversation with MD over dinner. I couldn't stop laughing. He clearly couldn't fathom the absurdity of the movie. I guess I'm not really that good of a story teller afterall. So when we got home, I had to put in the movie to show it to him.
You see, in that first twenty minutes there was the hottest sex scene you will ever witness in an R rated movie. Seriously, it could have been XXX rated. OK, NOT. I'm seriously kidding. Don't get all excited and think that you have to go out and rent the movie. Long story short, the girl goes to an animal costume party as a shark to the boy's party, Eagle, whom she likes. They end up in his bedroom which is beyond awkward as he shows her all of his geeky, nerdy inventions that if he doesn't continue to make, he will die. He then sits on the bed and asks if she wants to kiss. Yes. He then asks if she wants to lay down to kiss. Yes. Mind you, all while she has a shark costume enveloping her entire body and head and he has on a big eagle head costume that has a beak across the center of his forehead! He then asks if she wants to have sex. Yep. He takes off his headdress, she continues to be in her costume. Thank god for safe sex - he turns away and attempt two of a condom is successful. He then mounts her, fully dressed under the covers while she lays there fully dressed in her shark costume, but had apparently pulled down her under garments. And then within minutes it was done. End of scene.
The movie didn't get any better...actually I think that was the highlight!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Party Like A Rockstar
I'm definitely too old to Party Like A Rockstar. Last week as I was out of town for two nights for training, I had the opportunity to go out. JN and I went out four nights last week. Regardless of several of them being low key, just a couple drinks, they were still out of the norm for me. Thursday night, my son stayed overnight at a friend's house, so I had a rare opportunity to go out again, especially since I had Friday off work.
I met JN and her friend for dinner and drinks. The bar became busy rather quickly. All three of us are single, although other than not dating, there isn't anything single about me. I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now. JN's friend asked me if I was into women since I said I was really anti-men for the time being. Maybe not truly anti-men, just anti-dating. JN and her friend scoped out the bar and talked with numerous men. I held down the table. I did approach a table of guys that JN had met who were in the heating and cooling business. I had questions to ask about my air conditioning! Again, I think I threw them off that they thought it was an initial pick up line and then when they realized it wasn't and that was all I wanted, they were more disappointed. But I left the table as quickly as I had come, once I got the information I wanted. Because, I'm good like that!
When I got home on Thursday night, I wasn't ready to be home. I wanted to go out and as JN said, I should "pimp" myself out at the bar by going solo. No thanks. JC and I were online at the same time and discussed going out for a drink, but everything was closed and then we weren't able to come up with a plan after two hours, so we spent the next two hours on the phone. Sad.
Friday night, was definitely another story. I wasn't driving, so that didn't help matters of my sanity. We went to a bar that had an 80's band. I was trying to get my friend to pick up some hot chicks since the bar seemed like it was 90% females, he had the pick of the crop - but he wasn't interested. We had a good time and we left the bar and headed to a brewery for last call. I should have known better. We had peach and apple cider. Not as good as my hometown brewery's berry, but the peach was OK. I should have recalled the Friday night before how I did myself in with Cider. But afterall that was so last week!
Needless to say, I paid the price. I was half passed out for most of the way home. I had managed before leaving the bar to throw away one contact that was too dry and annoying. I got the second one out at the house. I changed into my pj's and crawled into bed. The alarm went off the next morning along with the constant deafening pounding in my head! I had to be at the ball fields by 9a.m. The shower was all too quick and none refreshing. I knew if I just managed to get sick, I would feel better. Fortunately that happened in the third inning of the first game.
Three games later, I was still feeling out of it. Didn't help that I was cold most of the day despite the jeans and long sleeve shirt. Also didn't help that another mom was screaming bloody murder and cheering at every play. Penance. Penance People.
Of course I managed to pull it together after a brief nap late in the afternoon. Went out again that night but even I couldn't muster more than two sips of a beer.
I clearly am too old to even think of partying like a rockstar let alone try!
I met JN and her friend for dinner and drinks. The bar became busy rather quickly. All three of us are single, although other than not dating, there isn't anything single about me. I'm not interested in meeting anyone right now. JN's friend asked me if I was into women since I said I was really anti-men for the time being. Maybe not truly anti-men, just anti-dating. JN and her friend scoped out the bar and talked with numerous men. I held down the table. I did approach a table of guys that JN had met who were in the heating and cooling business. I had questions to ask about my air conditioning! Again, I think I threw them off that they thought it was an initial pick up line and then when they realized it wasn't and that was all I wanted, they were more disappointed. But I left the table as quickly as I had come, once I got the information I wanted. Because, I'm good like that!
When I got home on Thursday night, I wasn't ready to be home. I wanted to go out and as JN said, I should "pimp" myself out at the bar by going solo. No thanks. JC and I were online at the same time and discussed going out for a drink, but everything was closed and then we weren't able to come up with a plan after two hours, so we spent the next two hours on the phone. Sad.
Friday night, was definitely another story. I wasn't driving, so that didn't help matters of my sanity. We went to a bar that had an 80's band. I was trying to get my friend to pick up some hot chicks since the bar seemed like it was 90% females, he had the pick of the crop - but he wasn't interested. We had a good time and we left the bar and headed to a brewery for last call. I should have known better. We had peach and apple cider. Not as good as my hometown brewery's berry, but the peach was OK. I should have recalled the Friday night before how I did myself in with Cider. But afterall that was so last week!
Needless to say, I paid the price. I was half passed out for most of the way home. I had managed before leaving the bar to throw away one contact that was too dry and annoying. I got the second one out at the house. I changed into my pj's and crawled into bed. The alarm went off the next morning along with the constant deafening pounding in my head! I had to be at the ball fields by 9a.m. The shower was all too quick and none refreshing. I knew if I just managed to get sick, I would feel better. Fortunately that happened in the third inning of the first game.
Three games later, I was still feeling out of it. Didn't help that I was cold most of the day despite the jeans and long sleeve shirt. Also didn't help that another mom was screaming bloody murder and cheering at every play. Penance. Penance People.
Of course I managed to pull it together after a brief nap late in the afternoon. Went out again that night but even I couldn't muster more than two sips of a beer.
I clearly am too old to even think of partying like a rockstar let alone try!
Blind Date
As I mentioned in the previous blog, after MF and I decided to go out on a date, I had a blind date.
LK and I did everything together that summer. I set her up with several different friends of guys that I was dating. We went on numerous group dates. Never once had I been on the receiving end of a setup, until...
LK was dating someone and she wanted me to join them along with his friend. I told her I didn't want to go. I didn't want to meet anyone, but she told me I owed her. It only made matters worse when MF and I made a date, I definitely didn't want to go. I wanted to back out of the date, but that wasn't an option. So we decided to...drink.
I wasn't a rebel by any means. I never did drugs, despite having them readily available around me if I was interested. LK and I kept each other out of trouble when we were together, since at different times we were interested in trying PCP or Acid or pot. I never did - especially after my boyfriend had a serious reaction and I thought he was going to die. Experimentation wasn't worth life. But alcohol, that was a different story.
I can't even recall the names of the boys that we went out with that night. I know that they were picking us up at my house. LK and I decided, likely I convinced her, that we should do shots to help enjoy the dreaded evening more. She did vodka and I believe I did Gin. Afterall we couldn't drink too much of one thing to have my parents notice (which my mom confronted me on at a later date and I denied it profusely and turned it back on her. Whether she believed me or not - I thought I was convincing - I never did get in trouble!). My memory recalls that I did eleven shots and she did nine in half an hour. Looking back, I don't know how we didn't get alcohol poisoning. Maybe the nasty alcohol had already been watered down by my older brother!
Needless to say, we were wasted. The boys couldn't find the house. We walked around the block and managed to get them to the house. We went to play indoor miniature golf. As usual, I had borrowed one of LK's tops. I still remember some of that evening as if it were yesterday.
There was a hole with a water hazard. I remember trying hard to stand straight and not slur my words. I was laughing uncontrollably. The guys asked us repeatedly if we had been drinking which we denied the entire evening. Were they really that gullible? I warned everyone about the water hazard and then I hit my ball directly into the water. I went over to pick up the several balls in the water and lost my balance. I seriously fell into the water of an indoor miniature golf course! Fortunately I didn't submerse into the several inches of water and only managed to get my arm wet as I caught myself.
The Manager and/or owner came over to us. She proceeded to get very angry and said that our kind wasn't welcome there. OUR KIND? Mind you, I was a lot precocious and confrontational so instead of backing down, I got mouthy. What did she mean by our kind? Our kind as in beautiful? As in young? She stammered. She stuttered. She became angry. I continued to go off on her and I can only imagine how foolish, cocky and red faced I had become. I told her that we had paid and that we were playing golf. Needless to say, we were able to stay and finish. I never once returned back to play indoor mini golf there again!
I don't recall exactly what happened the remainder of the night. I know that my blind date was interested and I wanted just as much to erase ever meeting him from my life before we met as after. He really was a tool and took a while of saying no to get him to understand I wouldn't date him again.
To this day, I've never gone on another blind date and I've never been so foolish to attempt to see how many shots I could do in a certain time frame, especially to avoid doing something!
LK and I did everything together that summer. I set her up with several different friends of guys that I was dating. We went on numerous group dates. Never once had I been on the receiving end of a setup, until...
LK was dating someone and she wanted me to join them along with his friend. I told her I didn't want to go. I didn't want to meet anyone, but she told me I owed her. It only made matters worse when MF and I made a date, I definitely didn't want to go. I wanted to back out of the date, but that wasn't an option. So we decided to...drink.
I wasn't a rebel by any means. I never did drugs, despite having them readily available around me if I was interested. LK and I kept each other out of trouble when we were together, since at different times we were interested in trying PCP or Acid or pot. I never did - especially after my boyfriend had a serious reaction and I thought he was going to die. Experimentation wasn't worth life. But alcohol, that was a different story.
I can't even recall the names of the boys that we went out with that night. I know that they were picking us up at my house. LK and I decided, likely I convinced her, that we should do shots to help enjoy the dreaded evening more. She did vodka and I believe I did Gin. Afterall we couldn't drink too much of one thing to have my parents notice (which my mom confronted me on at a later date and I denied it profusely and turned it back on her. Whether she believed me or not - I thought I was convincing - I never did get in trouble!). My memory recalls that I did eleven shots and she did nine in half an hour. Looking back, I don't know how we didn't get alcohol poisoning. Maybe the nasty alcohol had already been watered down by my older brother!
Needless to say, we were wasted. The boys couldn't find the house. We walked around the block and managed to get them to the house. We went to play indoor miniature golf. As usual, I had borrowed one of LK's tops. I still remember some of that evening as if it were yesterday.
There was a hole with a water hazard. I remember trying hard to stand straight and not slur my words. I was laughing uncontrollably. The guys asked us repeatedly if we had been drinking which we denied the entire evening. Were they really that gullible? I warned everyone about the water hazard and then I hit my ball directly into the water. I went over to pick up the several balls in the water and lost my balance. I seriously fell into the water of an indoor miniature golf course! Fortunately I didn't submerse into the several inches of water and only managed to get my arm wet as I caught myself.
The Manager and/or owner came over to us. She proceeded to get very angry and said that our kind wasn't welcome there. OUR KIND? Mind you, I was a lot precocious and confrontational so instead of backing down, I got mouthy. What did she mean by our kind? Our kind as in beautiful? As in young? She stammered. She stuttered. She became angry. I continued to go off on her and I can only imagine how foolish, cocky and red faced I had become. I told her that we had paid and that we were playing golf. Needless to say, we were able to stay and finish. I never once returned back to play indoor mini golf there again!
I don't recall exactly what happened the remainder of the night. I know that my blind date was interested and I wanted just as much to erase ever meeting him from my life before we met as after. He really was a tool and took a while of saying no to get him to understand I wouldn't date him again.
To this day, I've never gone on another blind date and I've never been so foolish to attempt to see how many shots I could do in a certain time frame, especially to avoid doing something!
Demanding & Dating Disolution
My brother participated in his 20 year reunion last weekend, which brought him and his family back to Michigan for a visit. On a quick visit, I was able to spend some time with them on Sunday, returning later in the week for a longer visit. I had heard from another person to ask my brother about a conversation he had with a high school friend and that I would find it really funny. Maybe it's the Social Worker in me, I didn't find it funny; however, what I did find intriguing was something rather unrelated to my brother's conversation with him and his life, it was about me.
My brother's friend, RF had a younger brother, my age MF. MF and I met in high school as we went to different Junior High's (aka Middle Schools). I instantly liked MF. I found him oddly intriguing and funny as hell. We laughed and joked and flirted in my tomboyish way throughout the years of high school. I suppose in some way I always wondered what it would be like to date MF, but never really all that interested. Our Freshman year we were on the ski team together, so we spent a significant amount of time together that winter as well as the next. I didn't have my first date, with anyone, until my Sophomore year, which incidentally was not with MF. MF and I graduated 17 years ago, 1992. That was a long time ago to remember details, but I recall that we remained distant friends, pals, chums throughout high school. He wasn't really a crush. He wasn't someone that I thought I could easily fall in love with, but someone that in a chummy way, we were equally as awkward and annoying and had the same sarcastic sense of humor that we enjoyed each other's company.
Somehow that summer after graduation, we found each other in the same spot and neither of us were dating. I can't tell you the specifics, it really wasn't that memorable. What I do recall, is that he asked me out and I said yes. And then became the most memorable BLIND DATE story of my LIFE. AND ONLY. I'll blog about that later.
MF and I went out. I don't recall it being anything of importance. Maybe we were too close as friends to try the dating thing. It was the summer before I was going away to college across the state. I believe he was staying at home to attend the Community College. I recall one night laying in a tent in his yard talking through the night about his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. I think it happened! I recall we talked about going to the zoo but I don't remember that we ever did. I left for school a week or two after we went out. I didn't have a car on campus. He came to visit me one weekend. We slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. Other than that, I recall nothing. No feelings of remorse. No feelings of sadness. Just was. I was 2.5 hours away at college and wanted to experience college life. That was it.
I saw MF at our 10 year reunion. I was unhappily married and putting on a great front at the reunion since we were actually getting along that evening, for a minute. MF and I chatted and he told me that he was a firefighter and his girlfriend recently proposed. He wasn't sure that he wanted to marry her. I remember thinking that was odd. One thing I remember about MF was his fettish with using Q-tips to clean his belly button. In the recesses of my mind, whenever I think of belly button lint I think of him. I don't recall anything else and I haven't heard anything about MF since, until Sunday that is.
See RF and my brother had a conversation. RF told my brother that the dumbest thing his brother has ever done was to not continue dating ME. WHAT? My brother, keeping with the conversation asked him why we had stopped dating (mind you - I don't even know - we weren't really dating!) and he said that he thought it was because I was too demanding. My brother said he just said that he could see that. DEMANDING?
In the scheme of things, I wonder how a conversation 17 years later about a several week dating relationship could have meant that I was demanding. But maybe, we have characteristics that are developed very early on and I truly am demanding. My recollection is nothing of the sort. Not to say that we all see things equally, absolutely not. We all have our own perceptions of how things happened, right or wrong.
Regardless, it's ironic nonetheless why MF's older brother and mine would have an initial conversation about their younger siblings more than 17 years ago. I wonder what MF is doing now. I truly hope that he is doing fabulously well, married or not.
My brother's friend, RF had a younger brother, my age MF. MF and I met in high school as we went to different Junior High's (aka Middle Schools). I instantly liked MF. I found him oddly intriguing and funny as hell. We laughed and joked and flirted in my tomboyish way throughout the years of high school. I suppose in some way I always wondered what it would be like to date MF, but never really all that interested. Our Freshman year we were on the ski team together, so we spent a significant amount of time together that winter as well as the next. I didn't have my first date, with anyone, until my Sophomore year, which incidentally was not with MF. MF and I graduated 17 years ago, 1992. That was a long time ago to remember details, but I recall that we remained distant friends, pals, chums throughout high school. He wasn't really a crush. He wasn't someone that I thought I could easily fall in love with, but someone that in a chummy way, we were equally as awkward and annoying and had the same sarcastic sense of humor that we enjoyed each other's company.
Somehow that summer after graduation, we found each other in the same spot and neither of us were dating. I can't tell you the specifics, it really wasn't that memorable. What I do recall, is that he asked me out and I said yes. And then became the most memorable BLIND DATE story of my LIFE. AND ONLY. I'll blog about that later.
MF and I went out. I don't recall it being anything of importance. Maybe we were too close as friends to try the dating thing. It was the summer before I was going away to college across the state. I believe he was staying at home to attend the Community College. I recall one night laying in a tent in his yard talking through the night about his relationship with his ex-girlfriend. I think it happened! I recall we talked about going to the zoo but I don't remember that we ever did. I left for school a week or two after we went out. I didn't have a car on campus. He came to visit me one weekend. We slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. Other than that, I recall nothing. No feelings of remorse. No feelings of sadness. Just was. I was 2.5 hours away at college and wanted to experience college life. That was it.
I saw MF at our 10 year reunion. I was unhappily married and putting on a great front at the reunion since we were actually getting along that evening, for a minute. MF and I chatted and he told me that he was a firefighter and his girlfriend recently proposed. He wasn't sure that he wanted to marry her. I remember thinking that was odd. One thing I remember about MF was his fettish with using Q-tips to clean his belly button. In the recesses of my mind, whenever I think of belly button lint I think of him. I don't recall anything else and I haven't heard anything about MF since, until Sunday that is.
See RF and my brother had a conversation. RF told my brother that the dumbest thing his brother has ever done was to not continue dating ME. WHAT? My brother, keeping with the conversation asked him why we had stopped dating (mind you - I don't even know - we weren't really dating!) and he said that he thought it was because I was too demanding. My brother said he just said that he could see that. DEMANDING?
In the scheme of things, I wonder how a conversation 17 years later about a several week dating relationship could have meant that I was demanding. But maybe, we have characteristics that are developed very early on and I truly am demanding. My recollection is nothing of the sort. Not to say that we all see things equally, absolutely not. We all have our own perceptions of how things happened, right or wrong.
Regardless, it's ironic nonetheless why MF's older brother and mine would have an initial conversation about their younger siblings more than 17 years ago. I wonder what MF is doing now. I truly hope that he is doing fabulously well, married or not.
Closing Doors
I told myself that I would make a point of no longer blogging about JC. In some aspects, it seems like so long ago when we had our final talk and decided to part ways and yet others, not so much. There are some days when I'm fine. Really, fine. And others, that hit me harder. I'm not sure what is the most difficult about an ending relationship - the lack of closure, moving on, or failure.
Seldom do I find myself in the need to move on completely. Not that I keep doors open, but I suppose not fully closing them either. A friend of mine on Sunday asked me if I was still dating JC. I told him no. He asked if we were still talking which I said a little. He then confirmed that we would date again. But honestly, this is one of those rare times where I believe that we won't. Whether it's our personalities or stubbornness or what have you, it just doesn't seem likely. We have only talked on the phone a few times in the past couple weeks, which was our main means of communicating. We instant message briefly on rare occasions as well. I'm doing my best to not be interested any longer in his races and how he does, but these are the moments and times I find most difficult. That I want to be there to watch him, even if I'm not with him. And then, the thoughts that I'm becoming a stalker instead of a friend run rampant. How am I to decipher the difference? What is that fine line? And maybe stalking is severe, but if I wasn't personally invited and I don't know if I would be welcome, why would or should I go?
I've been keeping really busy the past couple weeks, which has helped out tremendously; however, I know that I need to process the relationship fully to really truly move on. Regardless, closing doors is difficult. Especially closing doors on people that you care for and love.
Seldom do I find myself in the need to move on completely. Not that I keep doors open, but I suppose not fully closing them either. A friend of mine on Sunday asked me if I was still dating JC. I told him no. He asked if we were still talking which I said a little. He then confirmed that we would date again. But honestly, this is one of those rare times where I believe that we won't. Whether it's our personalities or stubbornness or what have you, it just doesn't seem likely. We have only talked on the phone a few times in the past couple weeks, which was our main means of communicating. We instant message briefly on rare occasions as well. I'm doing my best to not be interested any longer in his races and how he does, but these are the moments and times I find most difficult. That I want to be there to watch him, even if I'm not with him. And then, the thoughts that I'm becoming a stalker instead of a friend run rampant. How am I to decipher the difference? What is that fine line? And maybe stalking is severe, but if I wasn't personally invited and I don't know if I would be welcome, why would or should I go?
I've been keeping really busy the past couple weeks, which has helped out tremendously; however, I know that I need to process the relationship fully to really truly move on. Regardless, closing doors is difficult. Especially closing doors on people that you care for and love.
Seizurecise
Last night in the throes of exhaustion and high humidity, I lethargically committed to myself that I would get back to the gym and participate in one of my favorite group work out classes. Mind you it's been a long time since I went to the gym, not to mention participated in a class. But I knew that if I didn't leave the house, I would torment myself endlessly about wanting to be at JC's race, since that's what I did for many months and I am still dealing with that void.
I walked to the gym and arrived early to wait for the class before ours to finish. Still lacking motivation, I decided not to do anything remotely exercisish in the ten minutes before class started, so I sat on the stool at the nutritional bar at the gym and zoned out thinking about how I could walk out and feel all the better for doing so.
The exercise class is Body Pump which uses a weight bar and weights to do a variety of exercises. I have always found it challenging, especially since I've been having occasional wrist flare up pain - likely induced from participating in the class and adding to much weight!
I have to admit that I was fortunate that only a dozen or so people were in the class that had they not been focused on the teacher and themselves, would have witnessed me. Because had anyone been paying attention to me, they may have thought that I was an epileptic.
Seriously, the one hour class was an agonizing feat of me experiencing Seizurecise. Shaking. Convulsing. Sweating. Oh yeah, it was bad. At one point, I literally thought that my legs were going to give out and I was going to plummet the two feet to the ground thus crashing my head on my lightweight barbell while toppling on top of the exercise step bench. Really, that stuff does go through my head. All the while, I glanced at the teacher who periodically would monitor everyone in the class to make sure we were OK. Did I LOOK OK? I suppose in the scheme of things, that's all that really mattered, right?
When it was time to move down to the bench for tricep work, that must have been awesome to observe. I couldn't steady the bar for anything. As the bar came down to the forehead for three counts and back up for one, I shook, I convulsed, I panted (possibly a slight exaggeration) and hoped that at any one time I wouldn't lose my grip and have the weight bar smash into my forehead. Exactly how would I explain that to others?
I did manage to finish the class. On uneasy wobbly legs, I mustered the short walk home. I have a general feeling of pain and exhaustion today which will likely be exacerbated tomorrow when the true pain sets in of exercise. I can only hope that the more I work out, the less I look like I'm suffering a seizure.
I walked to the gym and arrived early to wait for the class before ours to finish. Still lacking motivation, I decided not to do anything remotely exercisish in the ten minutes before class started, so I sat on the stool at the nutritional bar at the gym and zoned out thinking about how I could walk out and feel all the better for doing so.
The exercise class is Body Pump which uses a weight bar and weights to do a variety of exercises. I have always found it challenging, especially since I've been having occasional wrist flare up pain - likely induced from participating in the class and adding to much weight!
I have to admit that I was fortunate that only a dozen or so people were in the class that had they not been focused on the teacher and themselves, would have witnessed me. Because had anyone been paying attention to me, they may have thought that I was an epileptic.
Seriously, the one hour class was an agonizing feat of me experiencing Seizurecise. Shaking. Convulsing. Sweating. Oh yeah, it was bad. At one point, I literally thought that my legs were going to give out and I was going to plummet the two feet to the ground thus crashing my head on my lightweight barbell while toppling on top of the exercise step bench. Really, that stuff does go through my head. All the while, I glanced at the teacher who periodically would monitor everyone in the class to make sure we were OK. Did I LOOK OK? I suppose in the scheme of things, that's all that really mattered, right?
When it was time to move down to the bench for tricep work, that must have been awesome to observe. I couldn't steady the bar for anything. As the bar came down to the forehead for three counts and back up for one, I shook, I convulsed, I panted (possibly a slight exaggeration) and hoped that at any one time I wouldn't lose my grip and have the weight bar smash into my forehead. Exactly how would I explain that to others?
I did manage to finish the class. On uneasy wobbly legs, I mustered the short walk home. I have a general feeling of pain and exhaustion today which will likely be exacerbated tomorrow when the true pain sets in of exercise. I can only hope that the more I work out, the less I look like I'm suffering a seizure.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Training
Finally, after muddling through my new position for the past 1.5 months, I am officially participating in certification training. It has been beneficial to pave my own way so that the training actually makes sense and I can inquire about all the questions I have yet to find the answers.
The morning started with a Pre-test....well actually, my morning started...with the alarm of JN.
JN stayed the night with me last night. She's on antibiotics so she claimed she wasn't going to be drinking. That went by the wayside, I would say that I'm a bad influence, but she drank more than I did!
So I woke to her alarm and woke her up. I then listened to her in the bathroom showering and getting ready. Then what did I hear?
JN vomiting, or forcing herself to vomit...the coughing, gagging, choking...the pleasant morning sounds at 6:30a.m. when I didn't have to get to training across the street until NINE A.M. Good times!
But back to the morning at the training. The Pre-Test was one of those awful twenty questions where you could have one answer or all or anywhere in between for each question. The tests were graded by the teacher's trusty sidekick. I overheard the sidekick mention my name to the trainer. I asked, what.
What did I do? Surprisingly, I tested the best out of the entire class of twenty! Me, after 1.5 months of self-training with some assistance from experienced workers throughout the county and state, I managed to test the best. Out of a class with mainly supervisors, directors and seasoned employees, I did well.
Go figure! Maybe I'm doing something right afterall! Then again, I also learned that something has been overlooked for likely nine years and I'm going to have to fix it! Sweet, bring it on! JUST KIDDING!
The morning started with a Pre-test....well actually, my morning started...with the alarm of JN.
JN stayed the night with me last night. She's on antibiotics so she claimed she wasn't going to be drinking. That went by the wayside, I would say that I'm a bad influence, but she drank more than I did!
So I woke to her alarm and woke her up. I then listened to her in the bathroom showering and getting ready. Then what did I hear?
JN vomiting, or forcing herself to vomit...the coughing, gagging, choking...the pleasant morning sounds at 6:30a.m. when I didn't have to get to training across the street until NINE A.M. Good times!
But back to the morning at the training. The Pre-Test was one of those awful twenty questions where you could have one answer or all or anywhere in between for each question. The tests were graded by the teacher's trusty sidekick. I overheard the sidekick mention my name to the trainer. I asked, what.
What did I do? Surprisingly, I tested the best out of the entire class of twenty! Me, after 1.5 months of self-training with some assistance from experienced workers throughout the county and state, I managed to test the best. Out of a class with mainly supervisors, directors and seasoned employees, I did well.
Go figure! Maybe I'm doing something right afterall! Then again, I also learned that something has been overlooked for likely nine years and I'm going to have to fix it! Sweet, bring it on! JUST KIDDING!
Internet Connect
I am finally back connected to the world with my internet at home! It would have been a week, tomorrow. It seems like a very long week indeed; however, I can't say that I was completely without as I did have internet access through my work.
After trying to hunt down the AT&T man with my bare two hands, I was really at their mercy. He came to the house yesterday, giving me a call twenty minutes prior saying he was en route. Of course I didn't get that message until right at the time he was to be at my house. I called him, four times! He never answered. I arrived at my house fifteen minutes later.
46 minutes later and several customer service personnel, I was informed that everything was fine outside the residence. Sigh. No one would be able to come out again until the following day, which only this evening worked with my schedule. If the douche bag would have answered his phone, all of the hassle would have been avoided.
Regardless, long story short...I have a new modem. All is well in the world...I was even tempted to ask him how to transfer the pictures to my disks, but decided I better not press my luck!
After trying to hunt down the AT&T man with my bare two hands, I was really at their mercy. He came to the house yesterday, giving me a call twenty minutes prior saying he was en route. Of course I didn't get that message until right at the time he was to be at my house. I called him, four times! He never answered. I arrived at my house fifteen minutes later.
46 minutes later and several customer service personnel, I was informed that everything was fine outside the residence. Sigh. No one would be able to come out again until the following day, which only this evening worked with my schedule. If the douche bag would have answered his phone, all of the hassle would have been avoided.
Regardless, long story short...I have a new modem. All is well in the world...I was even tempted to ask him how to transfer the pictures to my disks, but decided I better not press my luck!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Credit Issues
This morning I ordered a years worth of contacts for my son. I gave my credit card information to the person and called it good. The contacts would be shipped later in the week and the rebate information sent separately. At least that's what I thought.
I received a call back from the eye doctor that my credit card was...DECLINED. WHAT?
I know full well that there is nothing wrong with my credit or my account, but how dumb can one feel on a Monday morning being told your card is declined?
I got online and verified that all charges looked fine on my credit card. There is ample credit to cover the charge of the contacts. Fortunately the office is right around the corner that I can write a check or have them run the card directly if necessary. I called the credit card and the man was able to verify the exact phone charge that was attempted to be billed. He confirmed that the only reason it was denied is that the merchant put in my wrong billing code or zip code.
Technology...can't live with it, can't live without it! (Needless to say, I haven't received a call back that they were able to run it correctly yet. But who am I to talk? I still haven't managed how to transfer pictures from my computer onto my new CD-R discs I bought to print them!)
I received a call back from the eye doctor that my credit card was...DECLINED. WHAT?
I know full well that there is nothing wrong with my credit or my account, but how dumb can one feel on a Monday morning being told your card is declined?
I got online and verified that all charges looked fine on my credit card. There is ample credit to cover the charge of the contacts. Fortunately the office is right around the corner that I can write a check or have them run the card directly if necessary. I called the credit card and the man was able to verify the exact phone charge that was attempted to be billed. He confirmed that the only reason it was denied is that the merchant put in my wrong billing code or zip code.
Technology...can't live with it, can't live without it! (Needless to say, I haven't received a call back that they were able to run it correctly yet. But who am I to talk? I still haven't managed how to transfer pictures from my computer onto my new CD-R discs I bought to print them!)
Youth's First Day of "Work" & Mishap
Saturday afternoon my son had to volunteer to work a "Bounce" event. He was selected for a leadership program which he recently participated in the three day, two night event. As part of the program, "leaders" were expected to "pay it forward" by helping to fund raise for next years leaders.
All excited and eager to help (over exaggeration by all means!) we signed up for the shortest volunteer time of the day. I didn't have to help out, but what else was I supposed to do in the meantime for 1.5 hours? We had to pre-sell tickets as well, for the exact same price as at the event (how dumb is that? Seriously?). I gave a $20 donation, therefore buying five tickets. I gave three out at work and two to MD for his kids.
T really surprised me after the event to mention, "So my first day of work..." I had to smile. He really did a good job and had fun.
The event really wasn't very exciting or well attended. I suppose in the scheme of things, it was fun for those that were there as the lines were very limited. CK from work was there with his two kids and he thanked me repeatedly for the tickets. The kids had a lot of fun and what better way to get kids out of the house for a free few hours of entertainment?
While it could have been a horrific experience, MD's two year old son was afraid of all of the bounce inflatables. He enjoyed looking at them from afar, but didn't really want much to do with them. We finally were able to coax him into one of them and MD joined him for a bit. He actually was having quite a good time and didn't want to exit. The inflatable was just the moon walk bouncer with an exit up to a slide to slide down. He just liked the bouncing part. When, what happened? MD mentioned that it sounded like it was running out of gas.
Less than a minute later, the inflatable...deflated. The handful of children were able to exit pretty quickly with the exception of MD's son. MD reached in and several of us adults did our best to hold the quickly deflating inflatable upright so as not to smother the two of them. They got out and MD's son was pretty shaken up, rightfully so. He didn't want much to do with it for quite some time, but apparently did go back in it later in the afternoon.
Tragedy diverted...
All excited and eager to help (over exaggeration by all means!) we signed up for the shortest volunteer time of the day. I didn't have to help out, but what else was I supposed to do in the meantime for 1.5 hours? We had to pre-sell tickets as well, for the exact same price as at the event (how dumb is that? Seriously?). I gave a $20 donation, therefore buying five tickets. I gave three out at work and two to MD for his kids.
T really surprised me after the event to mention, "So my first day of work..." I had to smile. He really did a good job and had fun.
The event really wasn't very exciting or well attended. I suppose in the scheme of things, it was fun for those that were there as the lines were very limited. CK from work was there with his two kids and he thanked me repeatedly for the tickets. The kids had a lot of fun and what better way to get kids out of the house for a free few hours of entertainment?
While it could have been a horrific experience, MD's two year old son was afraid of all of the bounce inflatables. He enjoyed looking at them from afar, but didn't really want much to do with them. We finally were able to coax him into one of them and MD joined him for a bit. He actually was having quite a good time and didn't want to exit. The inflatable was just the moon walk bouncer with an exit up to a slide to slide down. He just liked the bouncing part. When, what happened? MD mentioned that it sounded like it was running out of gas.
Less than a minute later, the inflatable...deflated. The handful of children were able to exit pretty quickly with the exception of MD's son. MD reached in and several of us adults did our best to hold the quickly deflating inflatable upright so as not to smother the two of them. They got out and MD's son was pretty shaken up, rightfully so. He didn't want much to do with it for quite some time, but apparently did go back in it later in the afternoon.
Tragedy diverted...
Bottom of the Food Chain
I have officially accepted my position at the bottom of the food chain. The lowest of low. The peon at the bottom of the hierarchy.
I have been without home internet access since sometime after Tuesday evening. I realized it Wednesday morning and thought the problem would fix itself (I admit not the smartest of thoughts - but in reality, I would have to deal with it when I got home from work!). Wednesday night, I called it in and was told I would receive a call Thursday. Thursday I called it in and was told that they had no idea what was wrong and would send a tech out Monday. Resorting to no other option, I graciously accepted my ill internet fate. Until...
JN informed me on Saturday afternoon she had issues with her AT&T Internet and called it in. She was told someone would be out on Monday or Tuesday. She received a call on Sunday that the tech was en route. He replaced her modem and she's good to go.
Here I sit, mid-morning Monday and hadn't heard a thing. After some time on the phone with AT&T they informed me someone would be out by 8p.m. tonight. Yeah, not going to work since I will be out of town by this afternoon and not around much for the remainder of the week. Again, they told me that they would have the tech call me.
Who needs internet access anyway? Why is it I feel like a bottom feeder starving?
I have been without home internet access since sometime after Tuesday evening. I realized it Wednesday morning and thought the problem would fix itself (I admit not the smartest of thoughts - but in reality, I would have to deal with it when I got home from work!). Wednesday night, I called it in and was told I would receive a call Thursday. Thursday I called it in and was told that they had no idea what was wrong and would send a tech out Monday. Resorting to no other option, I graciously accepted my ill internet fate. Until...
JN informed me on Saturday afternoon she had issues with her AT&T Internet and called it in. She was told someone would be out on Monday or Tuesday. She received a call on Sunday that the tech was en route. He replaced her modem and she's good to go.
Here I sit, mid-morning Monday and hadn't heard a thing. After some time on the phone with AT&T they informed me someone would be out by 8p.m. tonight. Yeah, not going to work since I will be out of town by this afternoon and not around much for the remainder of the week. Again, they told me that they would have the tech call me.
Who needs internet access anyway? Why is it I feel like a bottom feeder starving?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Dream Analysis
Sometimes I recall my dreams. Most often, not so much. Last night I fell asleep while watching Inkheart with my son. I was pretty sure that in taking a catnap, I wouldn't be able to go to sleep. Which didn't help that I couldn't tire in front of the computer while playing cards either.
So I attempted to go to bed for the night. I flopped around the bed for what seemed like hours, a fish out of water. Maybe I was restless thinking about the huge freshwater angler fish that the girl recently caught that beat a world record that was in the news last night. Or maybe I was flopping for the fish!
I had so many thoughts racing through my mind. So many things I was thinking and feeling. So many things I wanted to process, to share, to discuss. And I couldn't. Who was I going to call. The biggest void in no longer dating JC is not having the ability to just pick up the phone and call him. Not that I always felt I could, because I didn't want to bother him or interrupt, but almost every night before or during bed, we would talk. And I miss that. What we tend to miss most are those small things that we so often take for granted. Not seeing him hasn't been as difficult because toward the end, there were many times where we went a while without seeing each other. Even when we were together other times, it was becoming as if we weren't. Anyway...
I woke up this morning and was driving to work when part of my dream surfaced like a huge red light on the highway of life! I recalled smoking. Not just smoking a cigarette, which I still have never done in my entire life. No, this was not a cigarette. It was a long skinny plastic red tube, the length of my hand. I inhaled and I puffed, almost like an inhaler. I remember thinking that JC was going to be smoking one and I wanted to do it first. I wanted to show him that I could or I would or that I did. That's all I recall. I never saw JC or anyone else in my dream for that matter. I remember coughing. I remember thinking that it was a way to get high, not just something to smoke. Maybe it had something to do with me thinking the night before as I drove by a gas station that a pack of cigarettes is $5.30 a pack, more than two gallons of gas! Maybe that's how my dream intertwined with smoking.
A friend of mine searched for dream analysis for me about smoking. While it wasn't a normal cigarette, here is what smoking references in your dream per Dreammoods.com:
To dream that you are smoking, indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in.
How much more fitting is that analysis?????
So I attempted to go to bed for the night. I flopped around the bed for what seemed like hours, a fish out of water. Maybe I was restless thinking about the huge freshwater angler fish that the girl recently caught that beat a world record that was in the news last night. Or maybe I was flopping for the fish!
I had so many thoughts racing through my mind. So many things I was thinking and feeling. So many things I wanted to process, to share, to discuss. And I couldn't. Who was I going to call. The biggest void in no longer dating JC is not having the ability to just pick up the phone and call him. Not that I always felt I could, because I didn't want to bother him or interrupt, but almost every night before or during bed, we would talk. And I miss that. What we tend to miss most are those small things that we so often take for granted. Not seeing him hasn't been as difficult because toward the end, there were many times where we went a while without seeing each other. Even when we were together other times, it was becoming as if we weren't. Anyway...
I woke up this morning and was driving to work when part of my dream surfaced like a huge red light on the highway of life! I recalled smoking. Not just smoking a cigarette, which I still have never done in my entire life. No, this was not a cigarette. It was a long skinny plastic red tube, the length of my hand. I inhaled and I puffed, almost like an inhaler. I remember thinking that JC was going to be smoking one and I wanted to do it first. I wanted to show him that I could or I would or that I did. That's all I recall. I never saw JC or anyone else in my dream for that matter. I remember coughing. I remember thinking that it was a way to get high, not just something to smoke. Maybe it had something to do with me thinking the night before as I drove by a gas station that a pack of cigarettes is $5.30 a pack, more than two gallons of gas! Maybe that's how my dream intertwined with smoking.
A friend of mine searched for dream analysis for me about smoking. While it wasn't a normal cigarette, here is what smoking references in your dream per Dreammoods.com:
To dream that you are smoking, indicates that you are trying to shield yourself and others against your emotions. You have trouble letting others in.
How much more fitting is that analysis?????
Appointments
Have you ever been late for an appointment? Have you ever been early to an appointment?
I'm sure you can answer yes to both questions. The real question is how early is too early and how late is too late to keep the appointment. Do you call if you are running late?
I hate being late. I typically will call regardless of the reason for the appointment or date if I'm even running a few minutes late. It's called respect and consideration. I expect the same in return - because my time is just as important as yours or the next person.
My dilemma comes from how early is too early? Especially if it is an appointment at someone else's home. I try not to be more than five or ten minutes early, unless it's something that had been discussed before. This morning I found myself with an extra 30 minutes to kill, because 30 minutes is just way too early!
I arrived exactly at my appointment time to be greeted by a woman in a short bathrobe and nightgown on the phone. She told me she was on an important phone call and it would be a while. Then, she realized who I was and why I was there. She welcomed me in, while continuing her phone call. She made space for me at her kitchen table while she continued pouring over paperwork on the floor of her living room. I sat there for what seemed like 15 minutes, before the rest of her family came downstairs from their slumbers to meet with me.
Talk about awkward. I can only imagine if I had showed up 30 minutes earlier! At least they would have been ready by the appointment time!
I'm sure you can answer yes to both questions. The real question is how early is too early and how late is too late to keep the appointment. Do you call if you are running late?
I hate being late. I typically will call regardless of the reason for the appointment or date if I'm even running a few minutes late. It's called respect and consideration. I expect the same in return - because my time is just as important as yours or the next person.
My dilemma comes from how early is too early? Especially if it is an appointment at someone else's home. I try not to be more than five or ten minutes early, unless it's something that had been discussed before. This morning I found myself with an extra 30 minutes to kill, because 30 minutes is just way too early!
I arrived exactly at my appointment time to be greeted by a woman in a short bathrobe and nightgown on the phone. She told me she was on an important phone call and it would be a while. Then, she realized who I was and why I was there. She welcomed me in, while continuing her phone call. She made space for me at her kitchen table while she continued pouring over paperwork on the floor of her living room. I sat there for what seemed like 15 minutes, before the rest of her family came downstairs from their slumbers to meet with me.
Talk about awkward. I can only imagine if I had showed up 30 minutes earlier! At least they would have been ready by the appointment time!
Sunglasses
I purchased a pair of sunglasses while in Florida for Spring Break. I needed something asap and ended up purchasing a $10 pair while we were out walking along the strip. I had actually grown to like them and wear them. That is, until I lost them.
I've tried to back track my steps and think of where I could have lost them. I recall having them the Monday before the 4th of July. I had worked really late that night and I thought I had them in my hand. I also thought I had them in my hand when I walked in JC's house and went to pet the dog and scared her because they were in my hand. But maybe not. Because, they are neither at my house or JC's.
Then I thought maybe I left them in a work vehicle. So yesterday I inquired as to whether or not they were in the lost and found at my office. The lost and found is in our accounting department in a special locked area. It is that top security! There were a few pairs that were in there from last year.
Was it wrong of me that I was tempted to say one of them was mine so I didn't have to go buy another stupid pair? Was it wrong that more than anything that's what I wanted to do? Is that stealing if you take something that hasn't been found in over a year and never will?
Whatever the answers are, I didn't. So today I had a few minutes to spare and I went and bought a stupid pair of sunglasses and invested another whopping $5. I don't like them anywhere near the last pair. At this point, I don't really care either. I've spent a lot of money on sunglasses and I seem to lose them just the same. The funny thing is, I still have a pair I picked up at the $1 store a few years ago! What does that say about me? I value or cherish the cheap and inexpensive?
I've already managed to put a scratch in the middle of the lens. I wouldn't expect anything less from me! Seriously....
I've tried to back track my steps and think of where I could have lost them. I recall having them the Monday before the 4th of July. I had worked really late that night and I thought I had them in my hand. I also thought I had them in my hand when I walked in JC's house and went to pet the dog and scared her because they were in my hand. But maybe not. Because, they are neither at my house or JC's.
Then I thought maybe I left them in a work vehicle. So yesterday I inquired as to whether or not they were in the lost and found at my office. The lost and found is in our accounting department in a special locked area. It is that top security! There were a few pairs that were in there from last year.
Was it wrong of me that I was tempted to say one of them was mine so I didn't have to go buy another stupid pair? Was it wrong that more than anything that's what I wanted to do? Is that stealing if you take something that hasn't been found in over a year and never will?
Whatever the answers are, I didn't. So today I had a few minutes to spare and I went and bought a stupid pair of sunglasses and invested another whopping $5. I don't like them anywhere near the last pair. At this point, I don't really care either. I've spent a lot of money on sunglasses and I seem to lose them just the same. The funny thing is, I still have a pair I picked up at the $1 store a few years ago! What does that say about me? I value or cherish the cheap and inexpensive?
I've already managed to put a scratch in the middle of the lens. I wouldn't expect anything less from me! Seriously....
Wednesday
Overall, Wednesday night quickly became something I wanted to not rehash. I apparently managed to pull my tendon in the back of my foot, causing severe and intense pain. Further increased by walking. However, not walking, wasn't really out of the question until late in the evening. Fortunately for my waistline, this was a good thing as I could have used some comfort foods later in the night if mobility wasn't my latest feat.
I arrived home to find that JC had dropped something off in my mailbox and that he had also called the home phone but didn't leave a message. Feeling that his intention was to be sure I wasn't home, I then began to feel a different pain. The non-physical form of pain.
All of this only compounded by my lack of internet capability didn't bode well for my stress reducing techniques of working out or playing cards online. I iced my foot more and took some pain medication and I had a lot of time to think.
Being alone and unable to distract oneself with personal comforts doesn't bode well when trying to accept and understand my recent relationship dissolution. I had called JC about him stopping by and our quick minute phone call left me even more confused. But maybe confused isn't the right word. Maybe it really offered me clarity. The clarity to understand what I hadn't in the past. That as much as I didn't want to confront and acknowledge, maybe JC and I never did have a friendship (he was right).
If he had difficulty communicating and sharing with me as a girlfriend, why would he when we weren't dating? If we can't talk without fighting, is that something that time will heal? Is our relationship/friendship one that has any basis of continuing? Sure there are friendships that have different meanings and purposes. Some where we can tell all and others where we are clearly guarded and superficial. A friendship that serves a purpose or a friendship of distant acquaintances. What friendship do/would JC and I have? Could we have one?
And the thoughts of spending the past seven months with someone that I fell in love with that I may never see or talk to again bothered me very deeply. That relationships and friendships are hard to come by, the older we become. Is it easy to just walk away? Is there enough reason not to? Is it a matter that only time will tell? Or is it that sometimes we need to understand that it is time to let go. Time to move on, no matter how difficult and painful it may be.
I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could prepare myself to understand and know which direction it is going and to grieve appropriately. But I don't. I do know that JC promised if he had any questions or wanted to talk, he would call. And in hearing that, I thought that was the last time I would hear from him. He did however call yesterday and in the first time in a very long time, we had a good conversation. One in which we communicated and shared and listened. Baby steps, baby steps.
I arrived home to find that JC had dropped something off in my mailbox and that he had also called the home phone but didn't leave a message. Feeling that his intention was to be sure I wasn't home, I then began to feel a different pain. The non-physical form of pain.
All of this only compounded by my lack of internet capability didn't bode well for my stress reducing techniques of working out or playing cards online. I iced my foot more and took some pain medication and I had a lot of time to think.
Being alone and unable to distract oneself with personal comforts doesn't bode well when trying to accept and understand my recent relationship dissolution. I had called JC about him stopping by and our quick minute phone call left me even more confused. But maybe confused isn't the right word. Maybe it really offered me clarity. The clarity to understand what I hadn't in the past. That as much as I didn't want to confront and acknowledge, maybe JC and I never did have a friendship (he was right).
If he had difficulty communicating and sharing with me as a girlfriend, why would he when we weren't dating? If we can't talk without fighting, is that something that time will heal? Is our relationship/friendship one that has any basis of continuing? Sure there are friendships that have different meanings and purposes. Some where we can tell all and others where we are clearly guarded and superficial. A friendship that serves a purpose or a friendship of distant acquaintances. What friendship do/would JC and I have? Could we have one?
And the thoughts of spending the past seven months with someone that I fell in love with that I may never see or talk to again bothered me very deeply. That relationships and friendships are hard to come by, the older we become. Is it easy to just walk away? Is there enough reason not to? Is it a matter that only time will tell? Or is it that sometimes we need to understand that it is time to let go. Time to move on, no matter how difficult and painful it may be.
I wish I knew. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could prepare myself to understand and know which direction it is going and to grieve appropriately. But I don't. I do know that JC promised if he had any questions or wanted to talk, he would call. And in hearing that, I thought that was the last time I would hear from him. He did however call yesterday and in the first time in a very long time, we had a good conversation. One in which we communicated and shared and listened. Baby steps, baby steps.
Internet Issues
Tuesday night was the last time I had access to my home computer. We had a slight storm throughout the night on Tuesday, never losing power. I woke to the storm and laid in bed listening to the rumbling of the thunder and wondered if it was really necessary to get out of bed.
I went to my computer to check email and the latest news to find that my internet connection wasn't working. I attempted the routine tests to confirm that they had "failed". Again, when I arrived home Wednesday evening, I was confronted with the same issues. I contacted AT&T and was told that there was an issue. Hmmmm....
Surprisingly so, I was more than beyond calm. At that point, I didn't really care. I was informed that someone would call me within an hour or two. Realizing the man on the other line was probably not from Michigan and confirmed the likelihood that someone would call me at 11p.m. was probably not realistic. I was assured someone would call in the morning. That someone never called.
So last night when I got home from work, I called AT&T again. (Meanwhile kicking myself for having deleted the last service tech's personal cell phone number when he came out to the house to hook it up! Why save someone's number if you are never going to use it?) Less than 30 minutes later I received my automated call and then connected to a live customer.
Long story short...Monday. Monday, a tech will be in my area to check the lines outside the house and try to get me back up and running online. Whatever will I do until then?
I went to my computer to check email and the latest news to find that my internet connection wasn't working. I attempted the routine tests to confirm that they had "failed". Again, when I arrived home Wednesday evening, I was confronted with the same issues. I contacted AT&T and was told that there was an issue. Hmmmm....
Surprisingly so, I was more than beyond calm. At that point, I didn't really care. I was informed that someone would call me within an hour or two. Realizing the man on the other line was probably not from Michigan and confirmed the likelihood that someone would call me at 11p.m. was probably not realistic. I was assured someone would call in the morning. That someone never called.
So last night when I got home from work, I called AT&T again. (Meanwhile kicking myself for having deleted the last service tech's personal cell phone number when he came out to the house to hook it up! Why save someone's number if you are never going to use it?) Less than 30 minutes later I received my automated call and then connected to a live customer.
Long story short...Monday. Monday, a tech will be in my area to check the lines outside the house and try to get me back up and running online. Whatever will I do until then?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
First Impressions
I will be the first to admit, that at times, I can be quite standoffish, initially. I am honest to a fault and I often speak my mind. I trust hesitantly; however, when I do and I develop a friendship, I trust with my heart and soul until it is broken. And once broken, I'm not easily if ever repaired. In saying so, I keep to myself. I will likely give an aura of something I am not - bitchy, snarky, unapproachable...to name a few...upon first meeting.
Likewise, I'm likely quick to judge. I would like to say that I'm not judgmental, I think I've even posted about it before; however, I'm quick to assess a situation. If I feel that a man is sizing me up or flirting, I will dismiss any contact or interaction, especially if I'm in a relationship. I understand that most would agree that flirting is harmless, but I am more the type that what would it look like to others? How would someone else view the exchange/interaction? How would I feel if someone did the same thing to me? And in doing so, I make conscious decisions on the interactions that I make, maybe not always good ones.
Friday I met someone. I was out with my son and we met someone. Clearly not in any mindframe to interact or engage with someone new, I had no interest. Not to say that I wasn't polite or civil, which I was, but clearly guarded. Questions of his intentions, motivations and then of course questions of safety for my son and initial first impressions (not all good) were in the forefront. It might not have helped that I was pressed for time, had things to do and didn't want any man trying to be "nice" to me or my son.
I believe that he did try to casually flirt and interact with us. He asked if he made me nervous. What, me nervous? Don't kid yourself, little man, you mean nothing to me. Really, I can be that hard and callous, and sometimes rightfully so. Although this time, in retrospect, not. However, in my defense, despite my education and career, I am a parent. And his safety will always come first.
Last night, we saw the man again. In a non-direct way, I entrusted him to protect my son. This man and I engaged in casual conversation and it actually went quite well. My son had a fabulous time with him and said he was "Really Cool".
While this man doesn't know, I'd like to apologize for my behavior. For being a parent. For being concerned and maybe not giving him the generosity and respect that he deserved when we first met. I'd also like to thank him again. Thank you for being a nice person. For spending time with my son and being a positive influence and for being a good person.
As I sat in my car last night, I listened to DeLilah on the radio. She was talking about how we treat other people. How we need to take time and build relationships with those we may not notice: the sales clerk, the waitress, the janitor, etc. They are people too. Life will be so much better and happier when we recognize people in our lives and appreciate them for who they are and the like.
A life lesson that should never be forgotten.
Likewise, I'm likely quick to judge. I would like to say that I'm not judgmental, I think I've even posted about it before; however, I'm quick to assess a situation. If I feel that a man is sizing me up or flirting, I will dismiss any contact or interaction, especially if I'm in a relationship. I understand that most would agree that flirting is harmless, but I am more the type that what would it look like to others? How would someone else view the exchange/interaction? How would I feel if someone did the same thing to me? And in doing so, I make conscious decisions on the interactions that I make, maybe not always good ones.
Friday I met someone. I was out with my son and we met someone. Clearly not in any mindframe to interact or engage with someone new, I had no interest. Not to say that I wasn't polite or civil, which I was, but clearly guarded. Questions of his intentions, motivations and then of course questions of safety for my son and initial first impressions (not all good) were in the forefront. It might not have helped that I was pressed for time, had things to do and didn't want any man trying to be "nice" to me or my son.
I believe that he did try to casually flirt and interact with us. He asked if he made me nervous. What, me nervous? Don't kid yourself, little man, you mean nothing to me. Really, I can be that hard and callous, and sometimes rightfully so. Although this time, in retrospect, not. However, in my defense, despite my education and career, I am a parent. And his safety will always come first.
Last night, we saw the man again. In a non-direct way, I entrusted him to protect my son. This man and I engaged in casual conversation and it actually went quite well. My son had a fabulous time with him and said he was "Really Cool".
While this man doesn't know, I'd like to apologize for my behavior. For being a parent. For being concerned and maybe not giving him the generosity and respect that he deserved when we first met. I'd also like to thank him again. Thank you for being a nice person. For spending time with my son and being a positive influence and for being a good person.
As I sat in my car last night, I listened to DeLilah on the radio. She was talking about how we treat other people. How we need to take time and build relationships with those we may not notice: the sales clerk, the waitress, the janitor, etc. They are people too. Life will be so much better and happier when we recognize people in our lives and appreciate them for who they are and the like.
A life lesson that should never be forgotten.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Little Surpises
Last week I met a potential client. I met with her and her fiance this morning. Sometimes people can say the nicest things or just things that we need to hear on occasion.
The man, in his mid-twenties was asking if I was new. I mentioned I had been in the same job for almost 12 years. He looked at me and said, "What? You don't look old enough! Did you start when you were 16?"
Mind you, I may not be the best person at accepting compliments, especially if I feel like they aren't sincere. However, over the years, I try to be more gracious and accepting. And at that very moment, as I'm sure I blushed, I thought to myself, "What a sweetheart. What a cutie patootie." And then my next thought was, "OH MY GOD, DID I TURN INTO A GRANDMOTHER THAT WANTS TO PINCH HIS CHEEKS TOO?"
The man, in his mid-twenties was asking if I was new. I mentioned I had been in the same job for almost 12 years. He looked at me and said, "What? You don't look old enough! Did you start when you were 16?"
Mind you, I may not be the best person at accepting compliments, especially if I feel like they aren't sincere. However, over the years, I try to be more gracious and accepting. And at that very moment, as I'm sure I blushed, I thought to myself, "What a sweetheart. What a cutie patootie." And then my next thought was, "OH MY GOD, DID I TURN INTO A GRANDMOTHER THAT WANTS TO PINCH HIS CHEEKS TOO?"
Friends
Sometimes when I feel down and out, it's nice to know that I have friends. It never seems to fail, even friends that I don't talk to often or that we share the day to day stuff, are always friends. Maybe that's part of being friends or knowing when you should just call and say hi.
I had been questioning a friendship for a while. I was beginning to wonder if we were even acquaintances anymore. Over the past few years, we've really gone our own ways. Our paths have crossed a few times since then and we chatted and caught up and made empty promises of getting together.
Yesterday, I received a call. A call to get together. I had just gotten to the park on my destruction mission, I mean my roller blade adventure so I wasn't able to get together. The offer stood for later if I was interested. I did get back home at a reasonable time and we were able to connect. We spent several hours catching up and we were later joined by her family. It's just one of those reassurances that through thick and thin, lifes ups and downs, we always have friends, even when and where you least expect.
I had been questioning a friendship for a while. I was beginning to wonder if we were even acquaintances anymore. Over the past few years, we've really gone our own ways. Our paths have crossed a few times since then and we chatted and caught up and made empty promises of getting together.
Yesterday, I received a call. A call to get together. I had just gotten to the park on my destruction mission, I mean my roller blade adventure so I wasn't able to get together. The offer stood for later if I was interested. I did get back home at a reasonable time and we were able to connect. We spent several hours catching up and we were later joined by her family. It's just one of those reassurances that through thick and thin, lifes ups and downs, we always have friends, even when and where you least expect.
Falling
Besides the whole roller blade falling, I found myself yet again falling. If you weren't aware, I'm really rather clumsy. Whether it's because I get sidetracked or just am that clumsy, I'm not really sure.
Friday night I was out. Maybe I willed it upon myself as I wasn't going to put it past me that I may once again find myself in some predicament or falling. Karma. Went hiking and walking for about 1.5 hours and didn't really have any issue. I managed to walk one foot in front of the other consecutively and consistently.
I'm not going to say that alcohol may or may not have had something to do with me falling. Because, honestly, if I had to bet money on it, it really had nothing to do with it.
I was in search of a dart board. A feat in and of itself. I walked into a bar and looked around in the restaurant area and didn't see one. I proceeded into the bar itself and didn't see one so I headed out the other exit. The door had the push handle bar across it and my first attempt to push was unsuccessful - pushing the left side of the door. I moved my hands down the bar and pushed open the door to step out and found myself half dangling off the step and hanging onto the bar. There was a huge step! I would say it was a drop off and fortunately if I hadn't hung onto the bar, I would have face planted it seriously hard into the cement! Would be nice if the business owner posted a "Watch Your Step" sign or something! Fortunately I was fine and it was just another one of my issues!
The ironic thing though is that if I hadn't had a drink before hand, I would have likely pushed on the door handle and let it go. So I suppose things happen for a reason!
Friday night I was out. Maybe I willed it upon myself as I wasn't going to put it past me that I may once again find myself in some predicament or falling. Karma. Went hiking and walking for about 1.5 hours and didn't really have any issue. I managed to walk one foot in front of the other consecutively and consistently.
I'm not going to say that alcohol may or may not have had something to do with me falling. Because, honestly, if I had to bet money on it, it really had nothing to do with it.
I was in search of a dart board. A feat in and of itself. I walked into a bar and looked around in the restaurant area and didn't see one. I proceeded into the bar itself and didn't see one so I headed out the other exit. The door had the push handle bar across it and my first attempt to push was unsuccessful - pushing the left side of the door. I moved my hands down the bar and pushed open the door to step out and found myself half dangling off the step and hanging onto the bar. There was a huge step! I would say it was a drop off and fortunately if I hadn't hung onto the bar, I would have face planted it seriously hard into the cement! Would be nice if the business owner posted a "Watch Your Step" sign or something! Fortunately I was fine and it was just another one of my issues!
The ironic thing though is that if I hadn't had a drink before hand, I would have likely pushed on the door handle and let it go. So I suppose things happen for a reason!
Exercise
I've really decided that I need to start exercising again. I clearly have missed the emotional and physical benefits from staying physically active. I feel like I'm missing a part of myself - besides muscle! So for the past three days, I've managed to work out every day. I've realized that I am not as strong nor do I have the endurance that I used to.
So the first day it was hiking and walking. The second day it was biking - where I realized I was completely out of shape from the hiking, lack of exercise and heat. Yesterday I opted for rollerblading.
Fear has taken over when it comes to rollerblading. I managed to do fairly well, with the exception of a hill, that I tried to avoid only to find myself in the grass, catching myself with my hands! Then after another hill and to avoid smashing into a wooden gate across the path, I ended up in the weeds. I decided an easier route would be taken from then on, and I managed to leave blading unscathed! Baby steps.
I've managed to lose weight, likely muscle weight. I got on the scale and within a day, it registered that I had lost 10 pounds! Clearly then feeling something was seriously wrong, how could I have reached my Aruba goal weight over night?, I moved the scale and was instaneously ten pounds heavier. While I knew it was too good to be true, the thought of losing that much weight overnight had me scared. I'd rather lose it slowly and healthily any day!
So the first day it was hiking and walking. The second day it was biking - where I realized I was completely out of shape from the hiking, lack of exercise and heat. Yesterday I opted for rollerblading.
Fear has taken over when it comes to rollerblading. I managed to do fairly well, with the exception of a hill, that I tried to avoid only to find myself in the grass, catching myself with my hands! Then after another hill and to avoid smashing into a wooden gate across the path, I ended up in the weeds. I decided an easier route would be taken from then on, and I managed to leave blading unscathed! Baby steps.
I've managed to lose weight, likely muscle weight. I got on the scale and within a day, it registered that I had lost 10 pounds! Clearly then feeling something was seriously wrong, how could I have reached my Aruba goal weight over night?, I moved the scale and was instaneously ten pounds heavier. While I knew it was too good to be true, the thought of losing that much weight overnight had me scared. I'd rather lose it slowly and healthily any day!
Issues
It's been a while since I've really posted about any of my latest issues in my life. That's not to minimize that they haven't occurred. Obviously since the real reason for my blog was to write about stupid things that happen in MY world, MY ISSUES. So here are a couple as of late:
* Why is it that when you order through a drive thru window, the person's voice changes mid order? And not only that, but apparently it takes two people to stand at the window to hand you out one small bag. Is the economy really that bad?
* Why is it that things in "women's" focus on pink and baby blue? I went to buy bowling shoes (mine were over 30 years old and the glue had disintegrated in my trunk of 100 degrees that the shoes were no longer wearable!) and my options were baby blue AND pink. Seriously? Then to my luck, the salesman found another pair in the back, "champagne". They weren't champagne they were Rose or Blush otherwise known as PINK. (I purchased the baby blue and then went to another store where they carried more color options - RELIEF - so for the time being I'm the owner of two pairs! I've purchased five pairs of bowling shoes in the past two months - I think I have an issue.)
* Why is it that when you order through a drive thru window, the person's voice changes mid order? And not only that, but apparently it takes two people to stand at the window to hand you out one small bag. Is the economy really that bad?
* Why is it that things in "women's" focus on pink and baby blue? I went to buy bowling shoes (mine were over 30 years old and the glue had disintegrated in my trunk of 100 degrees that the shoes were no longer wearable!) and my options were baby blue AND pink. Seriously? Then to my luck, the salesman found another pair in the back, "champagne". They weren't champagne they were Rose or Blush otherwise known as PINK. (I purchased the baby blue and then went to another store where they carried more color options - RELIEF - so for the time being I'm the owner of two pairs! I've purchased five pairs of bowling shoes in the past two months - I think I have an issue.)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Concert
I can't remember the last time I attended a concert. I know that it's been a very long time. The last one I can actually think of was a country music bash, before I was pregnant!
Concerts really aren't my thing. I'm all into listening to a variety of music, just not one specifically enough to enjoy a few hours of just their music. Besides, I'm so good at misconstruing lyrics that I don't really know the words to songs, so that's just a joke in and of itself.
I recall when my son was very young, there was an Uncle Kracker song, Follow Me that was frequently played on the radio. My son loved it. I didn't mind it either. So I went out and bought the CD. I was more than surprised by the language throughout - it wasn't at all what I expected. There were a few songs I would actually let him listen to. And honestly, he knew exactly which tracks and he would remind me so I would skip through the rest while driving. Good kid. Great kid actually.
So yesterday I purchased concert tickets for my son and I to join JA and her son. Whom you ask?
Flo Rida & Sean Kingston
A friend and I actually pulled up one of Flo Rida's lyrics and well...Need I say more?
Concerts really aren't my thing. I'm all into listening to a variety of music, just not one specifically enough to enjoy a few hours of just their music. Besides, I'm so good at misconstruing lyrics that I don't really know the words to songs, so that's just a joke in and of itself.
I recall when my son was very young, there was an Uncle Kracker song, Follow Me that was frequently played on the radio. My son loved it. I didn't mind it either. So I went out and bought the CD. I was more than surprised by the language throughout - it wasn't at all what I expected. There were a few songs I would actually let him listen to. And honestly, he knew exactly which tracks and he would remind me so I would skip through the rest while driving. Good kid. Great kid actually.
So yesterday I purchased concert tickets for my son and I to join JA and her son. Whom you ask?
Flo Rida & Sean Kingston
A friend and I actually pulled up one of Flo Rida's lyrics and well...Need I say more?
Prude
The other day I began to question as to whether or not I was a prude. So here are two definitions of prude:
Per Wikipedia: A prude (Old French prude) [1] is a person who is described as being concerned with decorum or propriety. They may (edel) be perceived as being uncomfortable with sexuality, nudity, alcohol, drug use or mischief. The name is generally considered to mean modesty, and hence unflattering, and is often used as an insult by people who do not share the moral standards of the "prude".
Per the Free Online Dictionary: prude (pr d) n. One who is excessively concerned with being or appearing to be proper, modest, or righteous.
I was out with JC and his friends and much of the initial conversation as well as throughout the night was referencing a new conquest per se of a newly single male of the group. A conquest whom all spoke freely about her sexuality, her promiscuity and the like. It wasn't just the males, but even the female "friend" and co-worker who spoke of her dating of several men at the same time. Despite what this guy said about her, he spent half the night texting her.
I could not relate. I didn't find the conversation even remotely funny or entertaining. I felt bad for this girl, one of only nineteen and full of life and regrets. One who wasn't there to defend herself. One who likely perceived these people as her friends and a current lover. I felt sad. Sad for her. It questioned my beliefs and my morals. I questioned whether or not I would have done the same thing about one of my friends. I wondered if there was a time I would have found this appropriate - or the catcalls several made out the windows to passerbys. I put myself in her shoes, in their shoes. I wondered what this group of people, boyfriend included, said about me when I wasn't there.
I wondered if I was too old. Too old to find this negativity funny. Too old in that I was the only parent in the vehicle, and a parent of a pre-teen at that. Despite JC being the same age, all the rest were close to ten years younger. Does that excuse immaturity or insensitivity? Of the seven of us, there were two married couples.
Maybe I'm just a prude. I find that hard to believe though. I don't think I'm that uncomfortable with sexuality, drugs or mischief; however, I have morals and standards and I want to make choices in my life and how I carry myself that I can respect myself and others can too. I want to treat others the way I want to be treated. Afterall, I'm all about a good joke, sarcastic comment; I try not to make it at someone else's expense, unless of course they are there!
Per Wikipedia: A prude (Old French prude) [1] is a person who is described as being concerned with decorum or propriety. They may (edel) be perceived as being uncomfortable with sexuality, nudity, alcohol, drug use or mischief. The name is generally considered to mean modesty, and hence unflattering, and is often used as an insult by people who do not share the moral standards of the "prude".
Per the Free Online Dictionary: prude (pr d) n. One who is excessively concerned with being or appearing to be proper, modest, or righteous.
I was out with JC and his friends and much of the initial conversation as well as throughout the night was referencing a new conquest per se of a newly single male of the group. A conquest whom all spoke freely about her sexuality, her promiscuity and the like. It wasn't just the males, but even the female "friend" and co-worker who spoke of her dating of several men at the same time. Despite what this guy said about her, he spent half the night texting her.
I could not relate. I didn't find the conversation even remotely funny or entertaining. I felt bad for this girl, one of only nineteen and full of life and regrets. One who wasn't there to defend herself. One who likely perceived these people as her friends and a current lover. I felt sad. Sad for her. It questioned my beliefs and my morals. I questioned whether or not I would have done the same thing about one of my friends. I wondered if there was a time I would have found this appropriate - or the catcalls several made out the windows to passerbys. I put myself in her shoes, in their shoes. I wondered what this group of people, boyfriend included, said about me when I wasn't there.
I wondered if I was too old. Too old to find this negativity funny. Too old in that I was the only parent in the vehicle, and a parent of a pre-teen at that. Despite JC being the same age, all the rest were close to ten years younger. Does that excuse immaturity or insensitivity? Of the seven of us, there were two married couples.
Maybe I'm just a prude. I find that hard to believe though. I don't think I'm that uncomfortable with sexuality, drugs or mischief; however, I have morals and standards and I want to make choices in my life and how I carry myself that I can respect myself and others can too. I want to treat others the way I want to be treated. Afterall, I'm all about a good joke, sarcastic comment; I try not to make it at someone else's expense, unless of course they are there!
D Day
This morning, I thought it was July 9, 2009. I'm perfectly OK with the fact that it is not. Any other day, any other year, that day would have absolutely no relevance on me whatsoever, well with the exception of five years ago I suppose, but probably not even then.
A few weeks ago, while helping JC with his passport, the question of divorce date came up. I suppose I had to answer that same question when I applied yet again for my passport, but that recollection is buried in the recesses of the mind.
I know for a fact that five years ago, on May 26, 2009, I spent the final day in Court for my divorce. After more than eight months of a contested divorce, with no children. A day that I prefer to not ever experience again, EVER. And walking out of the court that day, I WAS DIVORCED; however, legally and officially the actual divorce order was signed on July 9, 2004.
Five years ago. A world ago. A lifetime ago. How young and naive. How vulnerable.
I have never once looked back at that time in my life and wished I was still living it. Still making the most out of an unsalvagable marriage. I never once felt regret for the decisions I made to divorce or to marry for that matter. I have no regrets, only life lessons. Maybe for that experience I'm hardened, I'm hesitant, I'm void of potential, void of possibilities...but what I do know, is that my life is so much better now.
As I looked in the mirror this morning and thought that it was July 9, 2009, I looked deep into my own eyes, deep into my heart and soul and...I smiled.
A few weeks ago, while helping JC with his passport, the question of divorce date came up. I suppose I had to answer that same question when I applied yet again for my passport, but that recollection is buried in the recesses of the mind.
I know for a fact that five years ago, on May 26, 2009, I spent the final day in Court for my divorce. After more than eight months of a contested divorce, with no children. A day that I prefer to not ever experience again, EVER. And walking out of the court that day, I WAS DIVORCED; however, legally and officially the actual divorce order was signed on July 9, 2004.
Five years ago. A world ago. A lifetime ago. How young and naive. How vulnerable.
I have never once looked back at that time in my life and wished I was still living it. Still making the most out of an unsalvagable marriage. I never once felt regret for the decisions I made to divorce or to marry for that matter. I have no regrets, only life lessons. Maybe for that experience I'm hardened, I'm hesitant, I'm void of potential, void of possibilities...but what I do know, is that my life is so much better now.
As I looked in the mirror this morning and thought that it was July 9, 2009, I looked deep into my own eyes, deep into my heart and soul and...I smiled.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
17 Years Later
Today is one of those days, where I ultimately feel like a failure. That no matter what I do, I can't do it right. I suppose, most specifically, a failure in my relationships. JC and I have decided over a rough few months, that no matter what we try to do, we just can't seem to get "it right".
He feels that we have more of a relationship than a friendship while I believe we have a friendship, not a relationship. We get along great, ok maybe well, when we are together for the most part, the problem is when we aren't together. My mom seemed to sum up our relationship best, in that we don't have an "emotional relationship".
I've never been able to really put my finger on that missing piece of the puzzle of JC and I. I just knew something wasn't there. That no matter what I did, how much I loved, how much I wanted, it wasn't either enough or it wasn't reciprocated. Sure, JC loved me, in the way that he could. But I felt more than a relationship, JC wanted/needed a puppy. Someone to cheer him on and be excited whenever he was around, and held no grudges or disappointment when he wasn't. And, I deserve better than that.
I'm beginning to think that I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. Not attractive enough. Not fun. Not pretty. Not talented. Truly, this isn't a pity party on myself, but more maybe a look in the mirror, a look into the soul, into my being at who I am and who I am not.
Yesterday I got dressed up. I wore a dress, did my hair, etc. in almost a "test" as you will as to whether or not JC would say anything to me. Whether he would compliment me. Whether or not I truly do anything for him. I shouldn't say it was a test, as there weren't any failing grades, but maybe a measure of what I need, emotionally/physically from a partner. About 1.5 hours after sitting next to me, he mumbled "You look nice" after I had gotten up and went to the bathroom. What did I really expect?
So today, I am in grunge. Feeling worthless and useless and questioning me in general. I wore jeans and a t-shirt and vest. I did do my hair. Several commented on me today, noticing a difference and one compliment, but still...I guess I just wasn't feeling pretty or special or anything else.
And then today at my favorite shopping center, I ran into a high school classmate I haven't seen in 17 years! So maybe, even though my spirit is deflated, I'm still as recognizable as I was 17 years ago! And that was enough to add an extra spring in my step!
He feels that we have more of a relationship than a friendship while I believe we have a friendship, not a relationship. We get along great, ok maybe well, when we are together for the most part, the problem is when we aren't together. My mom seemed to sum up our relationship best, in that we don't have an "emotional relationship".
I've never been able to really put my finger on that missing piece of the puzzle of JC and I. I just knew something wasn't there. That no matter what I did, how much I loved, how much I wanted, it wasn't either enough or it wasn't reciprocated. Sure, JC loved me, in the way that he could. But I felt more than a relationship, JC wanted/needed a puppy. Someone to cheer him on and be excited whenever he was around, and held no grudges or disappointment when he wasn't. And, I deserve better than that.
I'm beginning to think that I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough. Not attractive enough. Not fun. Not pretty. Not talented. Truly, this isn't a pity party on myself, but more maybe a look in the mirror, a look into the soul, into my being at who I am and who I am not.
Yesterday I got dressed up. I wore a dress, did my hair, etc. in almost a "test" as you will as to whether or not JC would say anything to me. Whether he would compliment me. Whether or not I truly do anything for him. I shouldn't say it was a test, as there weren't any failing grades, but maybe a measure of what I need, emotionally/physically from a partner. About 1.5 hours after sitting next to me, he mumbled "You look nice" after I had gotten up and went to the bathroom. What did I really expect?
So today, I am in grunge. Feeling worthless and useless and questioning me in general. I wore jeans and a t-shirt and vest. I did do my hair. Several commented on me today, noticing a difference and one compliment, but still...I guess I just wasn't feeling pretty or special or anything else.
And then today at my favorite shopping center, I ran into a high school classmate I haven't seen in 17 years! So maybe, even though my spirit is deflated, I'm still as recognizable as I was 17 years ago! And that was enough to add an extra spring in my step!
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